Blossoming Soul

My words

2008-07-08T20:32:00.001-07:00

Random words pulled from all of my blog entries.

I love that the biggest word is Universe.

Goodbye, Part One

2008-06-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

I have officially bid farewell to my first classroom. This is a big deal, folks. Maybe you need photographic evidence to really grasp the situation. Okay, here goes.

I am going from this...

to this...

by choice, yes.

This move took a lot of courage. My old school was a great experience. It was very comfortable, and the staff, parents, and students became my extended family. Towards the end, especially at the end, I felt more at home in my school than in my actual home. (This may have a lot to do with a crazy roommate, but we'll get to that another day.)

It is interesting to me that I left what was, in many ways, a fabulous job. The problem was that it had become just that, a job. I felt within me such an overwhelming desire for something more. I knew that there had to be a school out there full of dedicated educators that nurture's a child's spirit as well as teach them academics. I posted a blog entry about it, which was really more of a plea to the Universe than anything else.

Then, something crazy happened. The Universe answered.

The Universe took me out of my comfortable, adorable classroom, in a school full of people I love, and moved me across town to something so much bigger. Saying goodbye was incredibly difficult, but even in the midst of my sadness, I felt that this truly is the right thing for me. I cannot tell you how incredible it feels to finally let go, hand over my dreams to the Universe, and to really feel Divine guidance leading me one step at a time.

I have already attended a weeklong Responsive Classroom training this summer, and let me tell ya, I am in love with this approach. Finally, finally, the answer I've been waiting for! I know deep within that this is how children's wonderful little spirits can be nurtured all while giving them the academic skills they need. My love for teaching has been reignited, and I cannot wait to put my new strategies to use.

I am learning, sometimes by stumbling and sometimes gently, that the Universe can be trusted with my dreams. I am finding what it means to ask, then allow, the good stuff to come into my experience. I'm having two-sided conversations every single day with a loving, giving Source. I'm learning too that sometimes we have to let go of what is good in our lives in order to welcome in that which is incredible.

Love to all,

*Please know that in the midst of so much change, I am having to let go of many things temporarily. I've mentioned before that I pretty much suck lately at returning phone calls and e-mails. Be assured that I plan to rejoin you all when I'm ready, and in the meantime, I'm lighting a candle and praying for the realization of your dreams. Yes, yours. ;-)

Hi

2008-06-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

Meditating today, I listened to the whirring sound of my fan and my roommate's guitar practice in the next room. And then, I felt the reassuring presence of something greater. God, the Universe, a spirit guide, I'm not sure.

I wanted to ask It some very big questions, spill out my overwhelming fears. Instead, all I could do was say "Hi," over and over, a smile on my face.

Grateful Friday

2008-06-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

Thank you for...
Finally having the energy to tackle the major task of unpacking
Chips and salsa from Ted's
Funny movies (highly recommend What Happens in Vegas)
Hee-larious text messages from friends
Mid-day naps
Sunshine
A pedicure
Plans for my dream classroom
Purple eyeliner
Eat, Pray, Love for the gazillionth time
Sleepy storytelling with Tara at 1:30 a.m.
Health food store runs
Meditating
And always,
Grace. Hope. Inspiration. Love.

Just noticing

2008-06-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm aching to come back here, to spill forth words that evoke such strong emotions. Lately life is an interesting mix of highs and lows. So much to share, but I'm filled with resistance. Why? I haven't listened for the answer yet.

In an effort to reconnect with this space, I am going to start noticing one thing each day for the next week and share it here. Ordinary things that catch my attention, nothing terribly exciting or profound. That's where it begins.

Today-

I'm at peace, finally. I've been waiting for this moment for over a month. My mind is quiet, my to-do list bare. I'm curled up in the bright red chair, barefoot, listening to the wind. The back door bangs open, shut, open, shut.

Moody

2008-05-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

All right, every day ain't going to be the best day of your life, don't worry about that. If you stick to it you hold the possibility open that you will have better days.
Wendell Berry

I'm in a mood. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood. In order for it to improve, I am going to need to do any or all of the following...

Scream obscenities.
Break some dishes.
Dive into a cold pool.
Jump on a trampoline (while wearing a sports bra, preferably).
Get an hour-long massage at my favorite spa.
Laugh really hard with Tara.
Watch Life is Beautiful and cry for hours.
Get lost in a really good novel.
Sit by a lake, all alone, with my feet in the water.

Enough about me. How are you? E-mails welcome.

On my way

2008-05-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

When we are sure that we are on the right road, there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. We cannot take more than one step at a time.
Orison Swett Marden

Yes, I'm still here.

A lot of things are being put aside lately, this blog being one of them. I also find that I'm getting really sucky at returning phone calls, text messages, and e-mails. Oh, and did I mention that I got rid of my tv?

There is something so big happening here, and it is difficult to put into words. I don't know exactly what it is, but it is taking a lot of attention. I can feel myself growing and expanding into something more, into who I really am. I honestly can't say that I know where it is I'm heading or what it will look like when I arrive, but I can feel a loving Universe guiding me there...one small, sometimes messy, step at a time.

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Tara put it really well tonight when she said that there have been really good days and really shitty days, but when those good days come around, they make it all worthwhile. I've had some amazing days lately, and some god-awful ones. As I sit here right now, I'm just so grateful for all of it. This all feels right.

Wherever "there" is, I'm getting there. I still stumble, I still resist (more than ever before, some days), I still lose faith. But in the quiet moments in between, I see the light of something big and beautiful.

If you wonder where I am lately, I am walking towards it, one step at a time.

Celebrating the Middle (by Tama Kieves)

2008-04-28T19:56:00.001-07:00

This resonated with me so deeply. I needed it, and I bet you do, too.

Tama’s Musings

Celebrate the Middle of Things

We live in a society where only “big success” is acknowledged. We don’t care about the small steps. We don’t hear about the stumbles. Yet it takes outrageous courage to be in the middle of your journey. The middle is where it’s at, baby.

Maybe you’re growing a new business, writing the book of your dreams, or healing from a necessary divorce. These are the times when alligators are nipping at your raw feet, the rain keeps beating down, the moon is fading, your mother is calling, and you wonder if you are going to age in poverty with hopes that never came true. Yep, these are the moments that need celebration.

These are the times we need applause and ribbons and massive hot fudge sundaes and witnesses to our magnificence. These are the times we must love ourselves through the hunger and exhaustion. These are the times when we must celebrate our courage, the power, belief, and stubborn pluck it demands to just keep lurching and wobbling forward.

Please give yourself the benefit of true perspective. Do not reject yourself for “not being there yet,” wherever that great “there” is for you. You are on the path. You are on the path. You are on the path. The path begins wherever you are, when you embrace your life with honesty, patience, and compassion.

Don’t join that dismal bandwagon of thieves, those silly addle-brained fools in the streets who only believe in the gods of People magazine, or the ones who believe that it’s more successful to just tack things together than to be naked on the path of pursuing your truth. Don’t accept the measurements of those who uphold flawed and obsolete standards. Do not borrow knowledge from the ones who do not dare. The ones who dare—absolutely know the pain of being in the middle of things. If you’re life is unsettled, imperfect, unpredictable, wild at the core, stuck, or yet to “come together,” congratulations. You’re one of the awakening tribe. You’re in the stream of being holy alive.

I spent 12 plus years writing This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love, without an agent, publisher, or writing mentor in sight. I spent years feeling bad because I wasn’t done with it. I watched others whiz by in their perfect neat lives, crisp definitions, and big fat paychecks and I felt foolish, foolish because I was in the middle of things. I faced self-doubt every day, but I chose self-love in the end. I decided to stay true to myself even if that looked as though I would walk for years through the deep blue sea. I wanted to follow my own instincts, hold my own hand, and see where that led me in the end. It’s led me here, a time in my life where I am so unbelievably grateful for all those essential “middle moments,” all those experiences that shaped me, fed me, grew me, and made me what I am—and what I have always been meant to be. In This Time I Dance!, I said, “It takes a hero’s journey to create a hero,” and I’ll say it again. Those middle moments are our ashrams, boot camps, graduate schools, and launch pads. They are anything but useless, empty, or ordinary.

The middle of things is where change takes place, where the great big barge of how things have always been turns around in the ocean and goes a new way. It’s slower than a long red light, but it doesn’t take place forever.

The real heroes are in the middle of things, sweating in the middle of the night alone, doubting the future, crying the tears of self-doubt, burning holes in the ground with their mad desire to flee. Celebrate these ones, the ones who are making choices right now that others will not see. Celebrate these ones who dare to make uncelebrated choices. Celebrate yourself, right now as though you are the biggest winner of all time, because you are dear one, you are. You are sticking with the wonderful and terrible confusion of creating an authentic life.

Bestselling author Pema Chodron, a beloved Buddhist nun, says, “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.” And Deepak Chopra, tells us to look at times of process as “pure potentiality.” I think “pure potentiality” sounds like a destination spa resort, and so much zestier than a “big fat zero,” or “swamp.” I suggest you try on language like that that empowers you. Remember, those “pure potentiality” times are when we make our life’s most significant choices. It’s where we craft, envision, and realize our future.

This month I’d love you to truly celebrate the experience of being in the middle of things. Write yourself a letter of congratulations or buy yourself a small token of appreciation at this juncture, a totem of support. While you’re at it, celebrate someone else who is in the middle of their evolving lives as well. We all know someone in the thick of a break up, a layoff, an illness, or someone who had their manuscript rejected or their contract cancelled, someone whose circumstances are pushing them to a new and uncomfortable edge of being.

Let’s clap for all the winners, now, the winners who are on their way, the winners who are not yet recognized, the winners who are walking through the desert, the winners who are allowing themselves to win at last, and those who are even boldly allowing themselves to “lose,” because they know they will never lose by staying true to their souls.

I want you to know that I celebrate you all in my heart. I am so moved by your dogged steps forward, your hungry self-inquiry, your shaky new belief in possibilities and your emerging commitment to your own inspired life. You are the brave ones, the alive ones, the ones who deserve medals right now.

Yours in the dance,
Tama
Awakening Artistry
http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
Tama©Copyright 2007
Tama J. Kieves.
All rights reserved.

Everything falls apart

2008-04-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

"Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did-flights were cancelled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine at the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far.
It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said-gently-that they believe when a lot of things are going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born-and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."
From Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

My god, I am hoping beyond hope that the last sentence in that paragraph is true.

Let me just say, before I go any further, that I know all about the power of positive thinking and how one does not benefit from focusing attention on the bad stuff in our lives. I also know that my "problems" dim in comparsion to what much of the world's population live with every single day.

Still.

I need to vent.

This year has held some really wonderful surprises, like an amazing road trip with my best friend, a job offer from a school I've dreamed about, and many wonderful synchronicities.

It has also held some major shit.

I, like Caroline, have really tried to be a good sport about it, but there are days when I've looked around me at everything falling apart, and I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and scream at some imaginary enemy, "You win! You effing win! I give up!"

So, because my ego has wanted to do this for some time, and I'm not in the mood to argue, here is a sampling of what has happened since I vowed this would be my best year yet.

Someone hacked into my bank account and cleared it out.
My car was hit, and the guy gave me bogus insurance information.
I gained weight.
My roommate had a mental breakdown and made this house a living hell for about two months.
Then she packed up and left me with the bills.
(Just for the record, I highly prefer the latter.)
I started life coaching, and I had to stop after two sessions because my resistance was too intense.
Very painful, unexplained shoulder injury.
And last, but oh-so-certainly-not-least, a near-death experience. Not a peaceful, angels-singing, light-filled experience. A terrifying, panic-inducing nightmare.

So with everything in me, I am hoping and praying that something beautiful is waiting around the corner, that the light I see at the end of the tunnel is my soul and not an oncoming train.

Here's to something big and lovely. Thanks for listenin'.

New soul

2008-04-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

At a time when absolutely nothing makes sense, when I am full of questions and the answers elude me, these words make my soul feel understood. (Thanks, Tara.)

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit
bout how to give and take
But since I came here,
felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself
making every possible mistake
See I'm a young soul
in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit
bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love
is not always easy to make
This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away.

("New Soul," by Yael Naim)

A word of advice

2008-04-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself having a hard time cutting back on fast food runs, follow my lead and rent Fast Food Nation.

Your addiction will be cured.

Movin' on up

2008-04-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, by the way...

I GOT THE JOB!

Hours after my interview, my principal called me from her home at 9:30 p.m. to let me know that I landed the job.

WOOHOO!!!

I am fifteen kinds of excited. There was so much synchronicity involved that it blows my mind. Oh, and remember the workshop honoring children that I passionately wanted to attend? My new principal is sending me to a weeklong session in June! That, my friends, has magic written all over it.

As I spoke with the principal and teachers, phrases kept popping up that made my soul want to jump with joy- responsive classrooms, multiple intelligences, art integration, creativity...

*smiles*

I am so grateful.

Body image laughs

2008-04-05T10:09:00.001-07:00

Here is one of my new favorite things- a comical look at people's thoughts about their bodies. I love the hippo and the kangaroos. What about you?

Happy birthday, Tara!

2008-03-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

(To borrow from What Dreams May Come) This is to Tara, for being so wonderful a gal would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.

Dear Tara,
Today you are the big 2-5! (Cue the lawnmower.) I wasn't entirely sure about writing this on here, because I do not believe words can begin to capture the best friendship I've ever known. I would not be sitting here today if it weren't for your strength. You are my sunshine, my soulmate.

I could never have guessed how far we would come when I first met you at Grady. I remember you being the tall chick in the denim jacket, the girl who seemed like she had much better things to be doing than answering calls about rectums that "just fell out." From that first day we spent together in the city, it was as if I had known you forever. And of course, I had.

My funniest memories in this lifetime have been made with you. I am not sure there are any two people on this planet who laugh as much as we do. Sitting here, I keep replaying the hundreds of hilarious moments we've shared, and I am laughing out loud, that really ridiculous laugh you know so well. Even our really dramatic arguments crack me up, me yelling at you from the backseat on the drive home from Lawton, you slamming my front door as you set out to prove that phalangies are fingers. Fine, fine. You win. But I so win the lyric wars- it is not Help me, Wanda.

Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser (god, I hope), I am amazed that we survived. Remember those months living together in that tiny $225-a-month, one-bedroom apartment? We didn't have much, just some Cheez-its, Pucker, that damn squeaky bed, and a revolving front door, but those were some of the best times of my life. (I wonder if Guy Upstairs agrees. That man knew more details about our lives than anyone else, and I think he was concerned.) Or wandering the streets of New Orleans at 4 a.m. in pajamas, you stopping to hear a poem from a homeless man while I tried to drag you away? And tell me, seriously, why did we think a biker rally in the middle of nowhere in July sounded like a good idea (not to mention tequila and deep-fried turkey)?

Somehow we did survive, and we learned to be a little more responsible, a little more cautious. But still, whether it's at home watching the Food Network in our pj's or on a road trip or on an airplane or in a bar, anyplace really, there is always adventure and laughter. I love that we see the world with the same eyes and wacky sense of humor. I love that when we walk into a room, more often than not someoone utters the word "trouble" with a big grin. I know that our souls must get really excited (and our guardian angels, really nervous) when we get together. We never know what's going to happen, but we don't really care, because we're going to have a blast doing it.

And it's not just the fun times I love. We've walked each other through illness, broken hearts, divorce, letting go, mental breakdowns, family drama, discussions about Plan B over breakfast at The Roundup, and lapses in judgment called Monkey Milkshakes.

Two weeks ago, we almost lost each other. Maybe someday we will be able to tell that story, but for now, it will go untold. I want you to know that nothing has ever scared me more than hearing my best friend beg for her life, not even the fear of losing my own. I know that we saved one another that night. The thing I carry with me, the thing that takes my breath away, is the memory of you begging me to never leave you. Tara, please remember this always. No matter what lies ahead, your soul and mine will be together forever, hand in hand.

I love you more than cheese.

Love,

P.S. Real sorry about the fish soup.

After...

2008-03-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well.

I have an interview with one of my top three school choices. The job fair was absolutely wonderful, confirmation of the feeling I've been having that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf. I left feeling both excited and peaceful. If only I could always remember that life is supposed to be this effortless, this easy.

So many things are blooming for me right now. A new job, possibilities for a new home, upcoming sessions with an absolutely amazing life coach, and one really wonderful possibility on which I'm remaining silent for a bit longer. I feel humbled and oh-so-grateful.

I know that many believe that the Law of Attraction doesn't leave room for a higher power, that we hold all that power within. Let me just say that my truth is this- I am a powerful creator, but I can absolutely feel a loving, compassionate, higher being that is walking this path beside me, working magic on my behalf, and delighting in my bliss. Call it what you want, but we are not alone in this world. We are so, so loved.

Lookin' for a j-o-b

2008-03-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

In a few moments, I will take a long bath, put on my favorite skirt (I'm wearing skirts again, woohoo!), and head out to a teacher job fair.

This morning, in my conversation with God, I was asked what my soul really wants in a new job. A bigger classroom? Less challenging students? More materials? After a few deep breaths, I knew the answer. My soul wants me to fulfill my purpose in a job that allows me to express my true self. My soul wants me to love my job and have it love me back.

That is the intention I'm taking with me today. I may or may not accept a position today, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever I choose, it will be the right decision. There's no other way.

I will update here later this evening, but for now, I want to leave you with a quote I found in Notes from the Universe by Mike Dooley. It resonates with me so, so deeply.

Choose feelings over logic, adventure over perfection, here over there, now over then, and always love, love, love.

Overalls

2008-03-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Found at http://www.heartworksgallery.net

I have lots of wonderful, magical, and funny things to share, but those will have to wait a bit longer. While I have a few moments, I want to tell you about a wink I received from the Universe.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was at work, and I looked down to see that I was wearing overalls (?). The strange part is that they were on backwards. I was embarassed, so I rushed to the bathroom to fix them. I woke up feeling as if the dream had really happened. Trying to get back to reality, I flipped open my cell phone to check my e-mail.

There I found a note from the Universe...

Take it from the farmer in me, Lindsay...

The more seeds you sow, the more plants we'll grow.
I love wearing overalls,

The Universe

Don't you just love moments like these, when magic shows up unexpectedly?

;-)

Attacked by cuteness

2008-03-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Found this picture on Google Images.

My priorities in life have shifted. Here is the updated list.

1. Find this fella.

2. Adopt him.

3. Name him Newman.

4. Snuggle him. Often.

Dear lord, help me. No, really.

2008-03-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I talked about having good days and bad days.

Today was the latter.

I have a tendency to only blog on the good days, or at least until I have some perspective on the bad ones, mostly because on the bad days I can't muster up the energy to write. Today was one of those days, but after a little de-stressing, I'm here to tell you about it.

As you know, I am becoming increasingly fascinated with the concept of loving what is. I've been doing the inner work to make that possible in my daily life, and sometimes it works like a magic wand, other days it doesn't quick make it through the cloud of negative thoughts.

This morning, I had to wake up early for a conference (one I've been looking forward to for months). As soon as I rolled out of bed, I was hit by a wave of nausea. I ended up hugging the toilet for the next fifteen minutes. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I wasn't resisting it with thoughts like "God, I don't want to throw up," or "Again? What the hell?" It was almost as if I was two separate people- the one getting up close and personal with the john, and the other one simply noticing what was going on, without any judgments or opinions.

I finished getting ready and headed out on my morning drive. The traffic was pretty heavy, but I just enjoyed watching the morning sun reflect off the buildings and listening to some of my favorite songs. The commute took longer than expected, but I didn't mind. At the conference, I found out that the speakers I signed up to hear were out sick, and I would have to choose different sessions. I felt disappointed, but I figured, what the heck? I'll see else is in store for me.

Well, that's where the positive thinking ends and the not-so-happy Lindsay enters. The speaker I had was so boring, I had to keep thinking of ways to entertain myself in order to stay awake. In the middle of doodling a daisy on my note-taking paper, I realized that my pants were really, really tight. All of a sudden I pictured myself passing out from lack of oxygen and being carted out by paramedics, all while the speaker droned on about differentiating instruction and No Child Left Behind and poverty's effect on education and...wait, what was she talking about?

And then, in another thrilling turn of events, the ill-fitting pants took a backseat to a sudden feeling of nausea. And while the early morning nausea was subtle, this episode had all the gentility of a freight train. I ran out of the room and spent the next few minutes getting familiar with another toilet. Those of you who have experienced the joy of ralphing into a public toilet will understand when I say that my good mood officially decided to hit the road.

I made it home, where I threw myself across the bed and passed out for a good five hours. I have no idea what had hit me, but I'd pay good money to be able to hit back. I woke up in a mood. I'd call it a bad mood, but I don't think that quite covers it. I had, oh, about a thousand negative thoughts run through my head over the next few hours. I put myself in the position of the watcher, and I was shocked at the horrible things I say to myself. No wonder I get exhausted so easily nowadays.

I was pissed off about the meeting I have to attend tomorrow, the voice of Cruisin' Connie on the radio, my increasing pant size, my friend being halfway-attentive during our phone call, the pile of laundry on my floor. Knowing what I know, I just sat there and let the thoughts come. And no, it wasn't all peaceful and zen-like. It SUCKED. I felt angry, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, hopeless, fat, unattractive, lazy...I'll spare you the rest. I started to feel claustrophobic, so I headed to the backyard for some fresh air.

I set up the camping chair, laid back, took a few deep breaths, and...

the effing chair collapsed. Oh yes, what better way to top off a fat day? I hit the ground, hard. Daisy thought it was some kind of game, so she came running over to join the fun. There I was, laying in the dirt, on top of a mangled chair, with a sixty-pound dog jumping on me. I collapsed into a fit of laughter and called Tara to share the tragic story.

In my defense, that chair was on its way to Jesus before I made the journey complete. That's what I'm telling myself.

Not to be deterred, I found another chair, set up camp, and eventually was able to come back to my true self. I know that more bad days will come, but thankfully I've still got my sense of humor.

And a spare lawn chair.

Tending to my dreams

2008-03-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

Where flowers bloom so does hope. Lady Bird Johnson

I love The Secret. I love that it reminds us of our unlimited potential as powerful creators of our reality. What hasn't worked for me, however, is the idea that in order to attract what I want, I have to live my life in a great mood, thinking only positive thoughts.

What I don't like about that is that it doesn't leave room for the bad days. There are spiritual masters on this planet who rarely, if ever, experience an "off" day, but we all know very well that I am not there yet.

In learning to love what is, I am finding that I don't resist the ick so much nowadays. It knocks on the door, I let it in, we sit together for a while, it leaves. No drama. I get pissed off and frustrated and pessimistic and crazy and sad and anxious, and that's that. I am working on simply letting those feelings come and go without judging them. Working on it, I said.

My pattern in the past was to put on a happy face, ignore the "bad" feelings, and think positive thoughts. However, something would inevitably happen, and all my good intentions would go to shit. What was frustrating was the thought that being in a negative place meant that whatever I wanted to attract was repelled and outta here, forever. "Yep, failed again."

Yesterday, I was in a really good place emotionally. I was content, happy, fulfilled, grateful, allowing. I focused on the things that I want to attract, and I felt confident they were headed my way.

This morning, on the drive to work, I realized that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting for something to come along and knock me out of my good mood (doesn't really take much, some days), and therefore cause whatever good things were coming my way to do a 180 and head for the hills.

In that moment, the Universe sent me an image of a flower. I started thinking about how a gardener gets a flower to grow. It isn't much work on the gardener's part, really. It's a little labor and a lot of magic. The gardener plants the seed, waters it, and goes on her way. She stops in periodically to water the soil, but she spends the rest of the day just going about her life. She might have good days, she might have bad days. She might get irritated at traffic, or she might have an argument with her boss. She might miss a day of watering.

That stuff doesn't matter to the flower. Under the surface, it just keeps growing. The gardener doesn't see the progress right away, but she doesn't worry. She doesn't question whether or not she deserves to see her seed come to life. She has faith that the flower will arrive, and in time, it does.

I think this is how it's meant to be with our dreams. We plant the seed when we visualize what we want to bring about. We water the seed when we come back to our center, get quiet, and give thanks. And then we walk away. We live our lives, accepting whatever comes our way, resisting nothing. We have blissful days and pissy days and everything in between, stopping back in once in while to water the seeds we've planted. And all the while we know that just under the surface, something magic is happening.

While meditating

2008-03-09T17:13:00.001-07:00

Peace in the Wichitas, June 2007. Photo by Bob Card.

True peace exists
not in the empty spaces
but in the fullness

allowing all
resisting none

welcoming
god...
appearing as
people
circumstances
events

the lines blur
between the good
and bad
until all becomes
One

wanting only what is
exactly as it appears
now

seeing "problems"
as divine gifts
watching past events unfold
with gratitude

every breath
is quiet, quiet bliss

there is enough
you are enough
i am enough

smiling
laughing
allowing
being.

Ordinary

2008-03-02T12:04:00.000-08:00

I wake up at 8:48, decide I'm not ready to start the day, and snuggle back under the covers.

At 9:15, my hunger wins. I stumble into the kitchen for a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats.

I settle onto the couch and scroll through the DVR list, finally choosing Hope Floats. I fast-forward to the sappy parts and tear up at scenes I've watched a dozen times.

Suddenly I feel a crappy mood coming on for no apparent reason (god, I love being a woman). Remembering my chiropractor's advice, I ice my shoulder and decide to meditate in an attempt to cleanse my aura.

Probably should have tried a sitting position, I think when I wake up two hours later, fuzzy-headed but feeling a little lighter.

Back to my spot on the couch, I indulge in an episode of My Fair Brady, Hawaiian pizza, and a glass of Pepsi. My fourteen-year-old self would have killed for a day like this, I think to myself as I down my second glass.

The wind outside is blowing so hard that it's knocking out power and setting off car alarms. Wondering what I should wear for my movie outing later, I step outside in my bare feet.

Something bright catches my eye. I look down to see the first flower of spring, a bright yellow daffodil, just outside my front door.

I smile, take a pic with my cell phone, and silently thank the Universe for granting my wish.

Turns out, when one is paying attention, there is really no such thing as an ordinary day.

Changing My Thinking

2008-02-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm very clear that everyone in the world loves me. I just don't expect them to realize it yet. Byron Katie

Off to dinner with Chels, February 2008.

Check out my superhero necklace, made by the lovely Andrea!

Oh, oh, OH! I have discovered Byron Katie, and she is a real superhero. I'm so excited about her work that I don't know where to begin. Right now I am reading Loving What Is, and I can't put it down. I keep replaying memorable sentences all day- driving to work, eating lunch, taking a bath. It has been a long time since a book resonated with me so deeply. It is as if I have found another (huge) piece of my own truth, put into words so eloquently by another human being.

I will try to break it down for you here, but just know that I cannot truly put into words what this has ignited in me. If you are the least bit interested, check out the book for yourself. Katie (as she prefers to be called) says that it is not people or events that cause our negative experiences, it is our thoughts about those things. She has a method of inquiry that she calls The Work. Basically, you take any thought that is causing you pain, then you ask yourself four questions. Those four questions can lead you to a place of happiness and inner peace, no matter what is happening "out there."

I have used the four questions to turn around thoughts about my job, my roommate, my body, and past relationships. What is interesting is that none of those circumstances changed, but my thoughts about them changed in the moment. Changing my thoughts has allowed me to really, really see the perfection in what is. I wouldn't say that The Work is a magic wand that has changed my experiences permanently, but I do know that I will have the tools when the negativity sneaks back in. I really feel as if I have stumbled across the work that I will do for the rest of my life.

Just this evening, as I was getting ready for dinner with my good friend Chelsea, I found myself criticizing the way I looked. It's that time of the month, and I was experiencing the dreaded "mushroom effect." I thought to myself, somewhat unconsciously, "Your fat makes you really unattractive." Remembering Katie's approach, I simply asked myself the four questions. Moments later, I walked out my front door feeling confident, happy, and relaxed. Without the turnaround, I would have spent the evening sucking in my stomach and wondering what complete strangers were thinking about me. Instead, I had a great time connecting with an old friend. This. Stuff. Works!

If you find yourself in a similar situation, remind yourself of something that really stood out to me tonight. What other people think is their business. You decide whether or not you are attractive. Your thoughts determine how you feel, and that's what really matters.

Loving yourself takes courage. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm getting braver every day.

A Quick Gratitude Fix

2008-02-21T12:34:00.001-08:00

Back to the ick again. I can blame it on several things- the stomach virus that has kept me home for two days, the below-freezing nasty weather, job dissatisfaction, yadda yadda yadda...

Time to put the great things I've learned to work, right? Let's see, where to begin. The problem with having so many useful strategies is knowing which one to use. So I'm going to go with the only one that makes sense right now- good ol' gratitude.

It's been a while since I've compiled a list of things I'm grateful for, so here goes.

The kid at Taco Bell telling me I have a beautiful smile, prophetic fortune cookies that offer a little bit of hope on a PMSy day, taking the back roads, hard work being rewarded, doing flips in the grass with Tara, beautiful kitchens, chatting on front porches and waving at passersby, Cracker Barrel's apple butter on biscuits, good-bye kisses, diving boards, dump cake (oh dear GOD, yum), courtyard gardens, rainbows, sunrooms, candlelit anything, fresh watermelon in the summertime, planning our trip to New Orleans with Tara Bear, care packages, a beautiful moon, cool cucumber slices on my eyes, surprises, inspired writing, baseball at dusk, sunroofs, feeding horses by hand, afternoon thunderstorms, getting away, Tara's mashed potatoes, curling up with a book I can't put down, tipping well, homemade quilts, attending interesting conferences, my Across the Universe soundtrack, socks fresh from the dryer, card night at Melba's, fall leaves, sweet dreams, celebrating how far I've come, wishing on stars, a tidy work area, saying what needs to be said, stand-up comedians, beautiful paintings, feeding the ducks at Shannon Springs, not being attacked by the ducks at Shannon Springs, rereading old journal entries, hand-written letters, my heavenly bathrobe, the sense of accomplishment after a trip to the gym (yep, it's been a while), watching my kindergarteners get really giggly over puppets, new entries from my favorite bloggers, church bells, new babies, Charlie Brown specials, rooms filled with loved ones, a quiet morning commute, collapsing onto a soft mattress, visualizing, simple answers to questions, silly notes, a lazy housecat, the right words, old-fashioned elevators, rewriting my history, the perfect parking spot, chocolate fountains, the kindness of strangers, keeping up with old friends, nicknames, optimism, nightlights, James Taylor's Fire and Rain, massages at Bliss, hippos.

Thank you, Universe, for the good stuff.

In celebration, I am off to bake cookies. Want some? ;-)

Shoes

2008-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

See these shoes? These adorably cute, seemingly perfect shoes? I love, love, love these shoes. These shoes got a girl who couldn't care less about shoes to get really, really excited about shoes. They look great, especially with fitted jeans and a crisp white shirt. There's just one downfall. They don't fit. At. All.

Sigh.

I wore them to work once. I convinced myself that the Perfect Shoes just needed to be broken in a little, and then we'd be the Perfect Match, this girl and her shoes. I smiled every time someone complimented me on my groovy little mary-janes. I was the only one who knew that I was dying to take them off and throw them out a window and perhaps run over them with my car. Twice.

They have taken up residence in my bedroom floor. I guess I've convinced myself that one day I'm going to wake up and they're magically going to fit perfectly. Except, of course, they aren't.

So why all this talk about a pair of ill-fitting shoes? Because, unfortunately, they are the perfect metaphor for the way I have lived my life.

I have stayed in jobs I hated, jobs that made me cry when the alarm beeped in the morning, because I thought it should be the right job. They certainly made me look good to the outside world (or did they? Can I ever really know that? I digress...). You know, just being able to say that's where I worked or being able to add it to my resume. And of course, there are many people out there in the world working the same job, and they were happy, fulfilled. Surely there must be something wrong with me. Surely I was missing something. Truth was, those shoes might have fit other people perfectly, but not me.

I have gotten into, and stayed in, relationships that absolutely made me miserable. My god, D was a cute pair of shoes. A devastatingly cute, sucessful, intelligent, "perfect" pair of shoes. And D came so close to fitting me that I convinced myself that he did. I spent a long time being really happy on the surface while cringing inside. I changed many things, many this-is-what-makes-me-who-I-am things, to make those shoes fit. They never did. Not only did I spend many months mourning the shoes, mostly I (am I really admitting this?) mourned the way they made me feel. Cute, successful, The Perfect Gal for The Perfect Guy.

I've worked jobs I hated, stayed in relationships I hoped would eventually bring me happiness, tended to friendships that were never meant to be, gone on diets to make my body acceptable to another, tied myself to religious beliefs that I thought made me a better person. I've worn too many uncomfortable pairs of shoes, put myself into so many roles that didn't fit, spent way too much time doing the things I thought would make me look good.

And in doing so, I have forgotten that I am whole, complete, and beautiful without any of that. I've forgotten to ask the Universe for a pair of shoes that fit me perfectly.

Until today.

And until those shoes arrive, and they absolutely will, I'm going to revel in the decadent feeling of going barefoot. ;-)