Becoming (2009 edition)
2009 was such a big year for me. It had it's highs and lows, for sure, but as I sit here reflecting on it, I feel nothing but love, love, love. I started out 2009 like I do most years- hopeful, optimistic, eager. But the fear took hold, and I stopped hoping. So imagine my surprise that when I sit here looking back on it, I find that something held me in a space of love, growth, and joy despite my reservations.
In 2009, I became.
I became an aunt. I was in the room, and boy I mean heart and soul, in that room, when my beautiful best friend brought a divine little being of light into our world. It was so raw, so real, so perfect. I looked at that baby, one who I had wondered about for months, and instantly remembered him. He wasn't the surprise I expected. He was an old friend, someone I had lost touch with over years and lifetimes, but in an instant, he was right back in our lives. I fell madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with a little boy that night.
I became a better teacher. I taught summer school, and dear Lord, I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was a challenge I thought I knew a little something about, but honestly, it's amazing we all survived. I was in a dirty classroom full of fifteen children (eight of whom spoke very limited English) who all needed me in a very real way, so much more so than most students I teach. Where do you start with a five-year-old who doesn't speak your language, who believes that learning is hard (and so it is), who doesn't get enough to eat and doesn't sleep at night and hasn't been told how wonderful he is? Well, I learned you start by showing up. You show up, pray you'll do the right thing, and you get through it together. You work at it, whatever it is, again and again and again. You keep showing up. You make them laugh, you hug them, you tell them how amazing they are. And you pray. Again and again and again...
I became a photographer. Not a professional one, an amateur one, but a photographer! I used my summer school earnings to buy my dream camera- my gift to myself for surviving. It was worth every penny. I spent the latter half of 2009 capturing beauty through the lens- my snuggle bunny nephew, a perfect flower, my smiling kindergarteners. I am so in love with photography now. One of my grand missions in life is to notice what is beautiful everywhere I go, and now I have a tool to capture it. (Which makes me notice it even more.)
I became a sister, all over again. I learned who my sister really is, and I bravely spilled to her all of my secrets about who I am and want to become. I am so grateful for the healing and growth we've shared together this past year. She is beauty and light, compassionate and oh-so-aware. Most of all, she is courageous in taking this journey with me. We must have really thought highly of ourselves to have chosen these particular challenges!
I became a twenty-eight year-old woman. Wow! Amazing. Twenty-seven was rough for me. That birthday was overcast with thoughts of becoming older (in a negative way) and life having passed me by (I know). But twenty-eight, for whatever strange and wonderful reason, just felt right. Twenty-eight feels good, like me finally fitting into myself and this body and this life. Here I am, world. What shall we do today? :-)
I became a person who embraced her shadow. This is another post in itself, but mental illness and depression have been a scary part of my family history for many generations. This summer, I felt myself falling into something unknown and yet frighteningly familiar. It terrified me. I judged myself so harshly for having fallen into the pattern I resented deeply. Yet through grace, I dropped the judgement of myself and my family. I learned, and deeply felt, compassion. Then the answer was simple. I got help. I decided that if I was going to have this issue, I was going to have it in a way that was brave and honest and loving. Today, I am confident. This is for me, an opportunity to express who I really am in the face of something that intimidated me for many years. So yes, I am grateful. :)
I became a different friend. This year has been full of lessons, some taken very hesitantly and fearfully, about who I am as a friend to the wonderful beings in my life. You see, my friends are my family. While I have a long history of instability in my family, never knowing who was going to show up in my life and who was going to make an exit, I have always been able to count on my friends. (Interesting that for many others, the opposite has been true.) This year, I've had to ask the question over and over again, "Who am I in relationship to this person?" How can I be more unconditional in my love, even and especially when it scares me? In the past month, I've been dealing with an upset in one of my most real and honest friendships. I can't say that I know what to do. What I can say is that every single day, I pray. Yes, me. Pray. I ask God to show me how I can love this person, and myself, in the same space. I ask God to give me the strength to let go if that's what is needed at the moment (though it is incredibly painful). I ask God to show me how to demonstrate unconditional love, even when it feels like this friend simply wants out of the friendship. I have to remind myself, it is all okay. And in the meantime, I just love her deeply, even more than cheese. ;-)
And that's not all! 2009 was the year I...
shared a laugh with my high school idol, country star Bryan White, about my teenage obsession with him.
befriended my ex-fiance.
discovered sushi...mmmmm.
became a total Twilight lover. Oh my god, LOVE. I read all four books in four days, each one in one sitting. I love the books, the movies, the soundtrack, everything. I am so not afraid to totally geek out over Edward. *swoon*
stepped foot in a church (gasp!) without being struck by lightning. ;)
laughed really, really hard at The Office almost every day.
made four amazing new friends.
survived my first blizzard.
gave up caffeine (11 months and counting!).
became really interested in paranormal activity.
had a total epiphany about the illusion of time.
rode four-wheelers, talked to cows, climbed a treestand (succesfully, this time), shot a 12-gauge shotgun, and watched the sky for shooting stars.
learned to love skirts with leggings, scarves, and really girly jewelry. ;-)
joined the world of Facebook, finally. I know, guys. YOU WIN!
became a philanthropist, in my own small way, by giving to random causes that stole my heart- a family's Thanksgiving, a shabbily-clothed man in a parking lot, my own students, a DC teacher's inspiring project, a school for homeless children.
hung out with my wonderful students outside of school at their ballgames, at dinner (I think my five-year-old buddy thought we were on a real date!), at the latest flicks (Up! was a favorite), at an Elvis-themed birthday party.
celebrated Margarita Monday with the grandparents of one of my students. They are the cutest family ever.
celebrated my 28th birthday with a surprise party from my kiddos, complete with a hippo-themed birthday cake!
read my favorite children's books to my newborn nephew.
discovered a great new way to teach children to write.
decided that when the time is right, I'm going to adopt one of these fellas.
And last, but certainly not least,
learned to love me, and you, even more.
2009, thank you.
In 2009, I became.
I became an aunt. I was in the room, and boy I mean heart and soul, in that room, when my beautiful best friend brought a divine little being of light into our world. It was so raw, so real, so perfect. I looked at that baby, one who I had wondered about for months, and instantly remembered him. He wasn't the surprise I expected. He was an old friend, someone I had lost touch with over years and lifetimes, but in an instant, he was right back in our lives. I fell madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with a little boy that night.
I became a better teacher. I taught summer school, and dear Lord, I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was a challenge I thought I knew a little something about, but honestly, it's amazing we all survived. I was in a dirty classroom full of fifteen children (eight of whom spoke very limited English) who all needed me in a very real way, so much more so than most students I teach. Where do you start with a five-year-old who doesn't speak your language, who believes that learning is hard (and so it is), who doesn't get enough to eat and doesn't sleep at night and hasn't been told how wonderful he is? Well, I learned you start by showing up. You show up, pray you'll do the right thing, and you get through it together. You work at it, whatever it is, again and again and again. You keep showing up. You make them laugh, you hug them, you tell them how amazing they are. And you pray. Again and again and again...
I became a photographer. Not a professional one, an amateur one, but a photographer! I used my summer school earnings to buy my dream camera- my gift to myself for surviving. It was worth every penny. I spent the latter half of 2009 capturing beauty through the lens- my snuggle bunny nephew, a perfect flower, my smiling kindergarteners. I am so in love with photography now. One of my grand missions in life is to notice what is beautiful everywhere I go, and now I have a tool to capture it. (Which makes me notice it even more.)
I became a sister, all over again. I learned who my sister really is, and I bravely spilled to her all of my secrets about who I am and want to become. I am so grateful for the healing and growth we've shared together this past year. She is beauty and light, compassionate and oh-so-aware. Most of all, she is courageous in taking this journey with me. We must have really thought highly of ourselves to have chosen these particular challenges!
I became a twenty-eight year-old woman. Wow! Amazing. Twenty-seven was rough for me. That birthday was overcast with thoughts of becoming older (in a negative way) and life having passed me by (I know). But twenty-eight, for whatever strange and wonderful reason, just felt right. Twenty-eight feels good, like me finally fitting into myself and this body and this life. Here I am, world. What shall we do today? :-)
I became a person who embraced her shadow. This is another post in itself, but mental illness and depression have been a scary part of my family history for many generations. This summer, I felt myself falling into something unknown and yet frighteningly familiar. It terrified me. I judged myself so harshly for having fallen into the pattern I resented deeply. Yet through grace, I dropped the judgement of myself and my family. I learned, and deeply felt, compassion. Then the answer was simple. I got help. I decided that if I was going to have this issue, I was going to have it in a way that was brave and honest and loving. Today, I am confident. This is for me, an opportunity to express who I really am in the face of something that intimidated me for many years. So yes, I am grateful. :)
I became a different friend. This year has been full of lessons, some taken very hesitantly and fearfully, about who I am as a friend to the wonderful beings in my life. You see, my friends are my family. While I have a long history of instability in my family, never knowing who was going to show up in my life and who was going to make an exit, I have always been able to count on my friends. (Interesting that for many others, the opposite has been true.) This year, I've had to ask the question over and over again, "Who am I in relationship to this person?" How can I be more unconditional in my love, even and especially when it scares me? In the past month, I've been dealing with an upset in one of my most real and honest friendships. I can't say that I know what to do. What I can say is that every single day, I pray. Yes, me. Pray. I ask God to show me how I can love this person, and myself, in the same space. I ask God to give me the strength to let go if that's what is needed at the moment (though it is incredibly painful). I ask God to show me how to demonstrate unconditional love, even when it feels like this friend simply wants out of the friendship. I have to remind myself, it is all okay. And in the meantime, I just love her deeply, even more than cheese. ;-)
And that's not all! 2009 was the year I...
shared a laugh with my high school idol, country star Bryan White, about my teenage obsession with him.
befriended my ex-fiance.
discovered sushi...mmmmm.
became a total Twilight lover. Oh my god, LOVE. I read all four books in four days, each one in one sitting. I love the books, the movies, the soundtrack, everything. I am so not afraid to totally geek out over Edward. *swoon*
stepped foot in a church (gasp!) without being struck by lightning. ;)
laughed really, really hard at The Office almost every day.
made four amazing new friends.
survived my first blizzard.
gave up caffeine (11 months and counting!).
became really interested in paranormal activity.
had a total epiphany about the illusion of time.
rode four-wheelers, talked to cows, climbed a treestand (succesfully, this time), shot a 12-gauge shotgun, and watched the sky for shooting stars.
learned to love skirts with leggings, scarves, and really girly jewelry. ;-)
joined the world of Facebook, finally. I know, guys. YOU WIN!
became a philanthropist, in my own small way, by giving to random causes that stole my heart- a family's Thanksgiving, a shabbily-clothed man in a parking lot, my own students, a DC teacher's inspiring project, a school for homeless children.
hung out with my wonderful students outside of school at their ballgames, at dinner (I think my five-year-old buddy thought we were on a real date!), at the latest flicks (Up! was a favorite), at an Elvis-themed birthday party.
celebrated Margarita Monday with the grandparents of one of my students. They are the cutest family ever.
celebrated my 28th birthday with a surprise party from my kiddos, complete with a hippo-themed birthday cake!
read my favorite children's books to my newborn nephew.
discovered a great new way to teach children to write.
decided that when the time is right, I'm going to adopt one of these fellas.
And last, but certainly not least,
learned to love me, and you, even more.
2009, thank you.
posted by BlossomingSoul at
7:14 PM
