Innocence

After writing that last post, I spent some time reflecting on what it is that I crave most. Lately, there have been some definite shifts in my inner world, and I find myself in an unknown place. I've spent much of my life, at least the last decade, searching for my truth. I thought for sure I had it figured out, that I had pieced together some beliefs that really fit me and who I want to be in this lifetime. But life doesn't seem to favor certainty, and now I'm even questioning those beliefs. (Just for the record, this is okay with me. I'm a seeker by nature, and at the end of the day, I really revel in the questions themselves.)

So what is it that lies beneath this bit of discomfort? The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am craving innocence. Each day I spend with my wonderfully amazing kindergarteners leaves me a bit envious of their state of mind- pure, complete innocence. I love the trusting way they view the world, even in a time when the majority of adults around them are in a panic about holding onto something- money, relationships, careers, addictions. Five- and six-year-olds view every moment with new eyes, and they see such wonder and possibility where we see sameness.

I can feel the younger me deep within, coaxing me back to this place. It whispers to me that the world is a safe place to be, and that anything is possible. I miss those beliefs, desperately sometimes. I want so badly to go back to that short time when religion was something I had never heard of, when God was a friendly being who I couldn't see but trusted with my hopes and fears. I want to go back to the heart I once had, the heart that saw potential and felt butterflies when cute men smiled at me, instead of feeling the temptation to protect myself from heartbreak. Just for a moment, I want to remember what it was like to believe that love and forgiveness would keep my family together forever. I miss the me that existed before religion, and society, and other humans (who were really just afraid) changed my story.

My friend Erol once said that he thinks the world would be a better place if we all had ideas rather than beliefs (after all, no one starts a war over an idea). I want to reach within to find the place in my heart where questions and ideas are enough. Deep within us all, we are innocent and pure. I'm ready to go back there.