Right here, right now.
It's strangely normal, being here on my couch when I know I had planned on being in California at this moment. I had such high hopes for The School. I was thrilled to be chosen for a full scholarship, and I couldn't wait to get there and meet some like-minded people and dig in and really do The Work.
I have to admit something. Over the past couple of months, when some big something came up in my life, some issue that needed to be dealt with, I pushed it aside. Maybe a better way of saying that is that I stuffed it further within. I figured, I can deal with it at The School. What better place to figure it out?
Except that was exhausting. I know, for sure, that I attracted the flu into my experience because I was completely overwhelmed. I was working too hard and ignoring too much. I was killing myself with projects and completely abandoning my own growth, the growth that was right in front of me and needed to happen "in the now," not in a couple of months.
I felt myself getting sick early on, but I pushed forward, not with persistence but resistance. Deep down I felt as if I worked long days and took on enough projects and attracted a lot of chaos, I might not have to deal with anything really important (and painful)- like my growing perfectionist tendencies or the changes that were happening in my relationships. I started feeling feverish and achy and congested, but I kept going to work early, staying late, even driving to a conference across the state mid-week and coming right back to work.
Two days after that conference, the flu completely knocked me on my ass. (Well, I didn't know it was the flu at the time. I was misdiagnosed and given antibiotics the first time around, and by the time I crawled back into the doctor's office and had a positive flu test, it was too late to begin flu meds.)
When it began looking like a 9-day trip across the country might not be in my best interest, something strange happened. I began to let go. I mean, really, let go. For the first time ever, I let my co-workers (who ROCK) handle my sub plans. I turned off my phone, slept as much as my body wanted (and oh, it WANTED), ate lots of fresh fruit, talked to the Universe. I sought the counsel of two people I trust most (yes, Sis, you're one of 'em!). Both women clarified what I already knew- now is not the time for me to attend The School.
I expected to feel sadness, disappointment, frustration, loss, guilt...I didn't. I felt...free. It became very clear to me that my most important work is right here, right now. I learned how much I value my own growth, and how important it is for me to make that my priority. I want to work on this icky perfectionist piece- the part of me that thinks I have to do x, y, and z in order to be loved. I want to speak my truth to my friends in every moment. I want to carve out time for phone calls with my sister, no matter how busy life gets. I want to meditate and talk to the Universe and love myself through this very messy life.
And so, it shall be (in an imperfect way, of course!). And right now, I am being called into the kitchen by the smell of freshly baked oatmeal cookies. Mmmm...this living in the now business ain't so bad.
I have to admit something. Over the past couple of months, when some big something came up in my life, some issue that needed to be dealt with, I pushed it aside. Maybe a better way of saying that is that I stuffed it further within. I figured, I can deal with it at The School. What better place to figure it out?
Except that was exhausting. I know, for sure, that I attracted the flu into my experience because I was completely overwhelmed. I was working too hard and ignoring too much. I was killing myself with projects and completely abandoning my own growth, the growth that was right in front of me and needed to happen "in the now," not in a couple of months.
I felt myself getting sick early on, but I pushed forward, not with persistence but resistance. Deep down I felt as if I worked long days and took on enough projects and attracted a lot of chaos, I might not have to deal with anything really important (and painful)- like my growing perfectionist tendencies or the changes that were happening in my relationships. I started feeling feverish and achy and congested, but I kept going to work early, staying late, even driving to a conference across the state mid-week and coming right back to work.
Two days after that conference, the flu completely knocked me on my ass. (Well, I didn't know it was the flu at the time. I was misdiagnosed and given antibiotics the first time around, and by the time I crawled back into the doctor's office and had a positive flu test, it was too late to begin flu meds.)
When it began looking like a 9-day trip across the country might not be in my best interest, something strange happened. I began to let go. I mean, really, let go. For the first time ever, I let my co-workers (who ROCK) handle my sub plans. I turned off my phone, slept as much as my body wanted (and oh, it WANTED), ate lots of fresh fruit, talked to the Universe. I sought the counsel of two people I trust most (yes, Sis, you're one of 'em!). Both women clarified what I already knew- now is not the time for me to attend The School.
I expected to feel sadness, disappointment, frustration, loss, guilt...I didn't. I felt...free. It became very clear to me that my most important work is right here, right now. I learned how much I value my own growth, and how important it is for me to make that my priority. I want to work on this icky perfectionist piece- the part of me that thinks I have to do x, y, and z in order to be loved. I want to speak my truth to my friends in every moment. I want to carve out time for phone calls with my sister, no matter how busy life gets. I want to meditate and talk to the Universe and love myself through this very messy life.
And so, it shall be (in an imperfect way, of course!). And right now, I am being called into the kitchen by the smell of freshly baked oatmeal cookies. Mmmm...this living in the now business ain't so bad.
posted by BlossomingSoul at
7:16 PM
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