Here's to us

So here's the thing. Of all the things I strongly dislike (mayonnaise, people sucking on candy while they talk, chiggers, shaving, I could go on), New Year's resolutions score a slot in the top ten. Gah, I get tired just hearing about it. Basically, most resolutions are an act of resistance, a statement that "what is" isn't good enough or (ick!) another addition to one's long list of "shoulds." Barf.

So I was inspired a couple of years ago when Andrea the Superhero mentioned her New Year tradition called Mondo Beyondo. Please, shove your scale to the back of the closet, stop the gymnast-worthy act of trying to fit into your skinny jeans, pop open a can of your favorite (gasp!) caffeinated beverage, and join me in this (gasp! gulp!) fun project. When you're done, e-mail me the results (blossomingsoul at hotmail dot com). If you would like, I'll share them here. Either way, I can't wait to witness you practicing a little self-forgivness and some big dreamin'.

Here goes.

What do you acknowledge yourself for in 2008?
Manifesting my dream classroom in a Responsive Classroom school with dreamy students, parents, and colleagues. Sigh.
Laughing out loud when the going got tough. (It did.)
Letting myself dream big.
Feeling the sadness without resistance and being willing to learn from it.
Asking myself what was true for me.
Accepting the answers even when they surprised me.
Working incredibly hard with a coach.
NOT GIVING UP.
Daring myself to love my body.
Finishing my 3rd year of teaching and sending another precious class on to 1st grade.
Showing up for my students in a big way.
Manifesting a new living situation in a cute duplex with a much better roommate.
Ending a friendship in a way that honored us both.
Speaking my truth to my friends and family.
Nurturing my relationship with my sister.
Surviving the devil tram ride.
Getting 3 (!) grants funded for my classroom.
Saying goodbye with love and without the anger.
Daring to love my most challenging students.
Being able to say to those I love, "I want for you what you want for you."
Allowing other souls to walk their path.
Really loving this country for the first time.
Giving to causes I feel strongly about, even when it was just $5.
Opening up my heart to love again.
Speaking about religion without labeling it as wrong.
Living peacefully with someone whose beliefs differ from my own.
Doing what it took in each moment to be a friend to someone.
Applying to The School for the Work.
Working on a grant to get me to Italy.
Conversations with the Universe, every morning and night.

What can you forgive yourself for in 2008?
For putting growth before joy in some cases.
For resisting loving my body just as it is.
For resisting, period.
For working too hard.
For overeating.
For judging those around me.
For judging me.
For not creating the things I wanted most.
For neglecting some friendships.
For not spending enough time in nature.
For being quiet when I could have spoken.
For not trusting.

What will you create in 2009?
JOY. ADVENTURE. LAUGHTER. FRIENDSHIP. LOVE. HOME.

What are your big (BIG) dreams for 2009? The sky's the limit! Scratch that, there is no limit! Go!
An awe-inspiring adventure in Italy
The School for the Work
Even more hilarious adventures with Tara
New Orleans, New Orleans, NEW ORLEANS (home sweet home)
Bringing more of my authentic self into my work
Expanding financial abundance
Loving my body just as it is
Soul stories with friends
A great love story
Lots of travel to fun and exciting places
Cute clothes that fit my body just right
My dream home in the fall of '09
Learning to take incredible pictures with a fabulous camera
Being given a big, powerful way to serve the world
Adventure!

2008, I am grateful for your lessons. I declare you complete!

2009, I dare you to show me just how much fun, laughter, and adventure I can have! Here goes!!!

No more doubting it...

Never compromise a dream. Do what you must. The fears, beasts, and mountains before you are part of the plan. Stepping stones to a promised land. To a time and place that is so much closer than even you expect. So don't let your eyes deceive you, for even as you read these words, your ship swiftly approaches…
Mike Dooley

After sharing the 2nd dream here, doubt started to creep in. I tend to get wrapped up in the logistics of things, and I know that isn't the way to manifest, so...I'm going to share with you about a dream that I did manifest this year, as a way to switch gears and rememeber that anything is possible.

Soon after graduating college in April of 2005, I submitted dozens of resumes to schools all over the state of Oklahoma. I was wide open to the possibility- any town, any school, any grade. I just wanted to finally, after years of dreaming about it, get to work on my very own classroom. May, June, and July passed without a single phone call. I started to get antsy.

Then, in August, the floodgates opened. Three weeks before school was to begin, I had eleven interviews spread out all over the state. After ten successful interviews (and job offers), I began to question whether or not I should go to the eleventh. I already had several options to choose from, and I had no idea which one I wanted. However, I was on a roll, and I was already dressed for it (having just finished #10), so I went for it.

After getting lost on the way there, I pulled into the parking lot of a tiny country school. I could hear cows mooing from the pasture next door, and being a country girl at heart, I was smitten. After having interviewed in front of committees and some very uptight principals already that week, I was thrilled when the principal here left the door open, walked around her desk, and pulled up a chair next to mine. We chatted for a few minutes, she skimmed over my portfolio, then she asked if I wanted a tour of the school. Giddy, I said yes, but already my heart had told me this was the place for me.

And oh, it was. The people I met at RH were some of the best people on the planet. I immediately clicked with the staff, and soon we went from being co-workers to close friends. I fell in love with families, the students, the laid-back "treat you like we've known you for years" attitude.

It was also a huge challenge, one that excited me immensely. I was given big responsibilities right off the bat- rewriting the report card, teaching a classroom full of kids to read without a real reading curriculum, planning kindergarten graduation. But everywhere I went, there were good people helping me out even before I could ask. Parents and grandparents cleaned my classroom, decorated bulletin boards, copied papers, tutored my students. I was never alone.

I wish I had a "before" snapshot, but this little classroom is where it all began for me. This, of course, is after many, many hours of sweat, laughter, and tears (oh, and a few beers snuck in by my favorite janitor...shh).



Then, after three absolutely amazing years at this place that felt like home, I felt something in my heart. I was so grateful for my time at RH, but I knew something else was calling my name. Having been given time to grow my wings, I was ready to experience something bigger. I wanted to both learn how to nurture a child's spirit in the classroom, and I wanted a place to do it where the kids really needed me. (Looking back, I am quite convinced that the precious little souls at RH taught me infinitely more than I taught them.)

During my first year at RH, I worked with another first-year teacher named Tiffany. She became my teacher buddy- the girl with whom I could laugh, cry, vent, and share margaritas. She left RH after that first year to move to another school in town. I visited her there once, and I was a bit jealous of her fabulous (and HUGE) classroom.

Fast forward to 2008. I went to a job fair, and there I met the woman who would become my new boss. We hit it off instantly, and we took our conversation to a private room where we could really talk. It was apparent from that first conversation that we both wanted the same thing for children. I had butterflies when I left, but deep down, I knew the job already had my name on it.

After another interview with her at the school, it was official- I got the job. Soon after, I found out that I was being sent to the Responsive Classroom Institute, which was THE PERFECT answer to the prayer I had sent up to the Universe months before. By following my heart, without knowing the why's or the how's, I ended up in a Responsive Classroom school, one of only a handful in the state.

When I walked into my classroom for the first time, I had a bit of a flashback. Wait...this can't be...yep, it was Tiffany's old classroom, the one I had admired a few years before. When I had pictured my dream classroom in my mind, it was always this one.

However. It looked slightly different than I remembered...



Ah well. Fueled by my amazing week at the institute, I got to work making my dream come to life. And boy, it did. After a little more sweat, tears, laughter, Sonic Dr. Peppers, and the help of my dear friend Melba, here was the final product, my very own kindergarten wonderland.










The pictures are fabulous (if I do say so myself), but they don't tell the whole story. What you don't see is a supportive principal who understands early childhood education, two amazing co-workers with whom I share laughs every single day, the ridiculously amazing students I am so priviledged to spend my days with, the families who are incredibly grateful for every single thing I do, and the grants that total strangers keep funding to buy even more amazing things for my kiddos. And the best thing of all- children whose spirits are being nurtured, who are learning how to honor themselves and problem solve with their friends, who are figuring out that they hold a very special place in this world and in my heart.

So enough of this dream-doubting silliness. I walk in the doors every day to a very real dream come true. My dreams are coming true in this moment because I declare it so!

The 2nd Dream

"The Work always leaves you with less of a story.
Who would you be without your story?
You never know until you inquire.
There is no story that is you or that leads to you.
Every story leads away from you.
Turn it around; undo it.
You are what exists before all stories.
You are what remains when the story is understood."
Byron Katie

I'm back to talk about another dream my big brave heart has created.

I am drawn to, and yet often roll my eyes at, self-help books. I am learning that unless those books lead me to ask myself what my answers are, they are useless. At first the idea that someone else might have it all figured out sure was enticing. Now I get it that growth is personal and messy, and that my own answers are the only ones that work for me.

That being said, I have completely fallen in love with The Work by Byron Katie. I first read about The Work in her book, Loving What Is, and without sounding like a cheesy infomercial, it has profoundly impacted my life. I truly believe that in finding The Work, I stumbled onto something I will do for the rest of my life.

The Work requires that we take full responsibility for our lives, to stop telling old stories about ourselves, and to admit that everything we thought was true might not be. I don't know what other people's experiences are with The Work, but for me it has been effortless and joyful. It has opened me up to the answers I've been seeking for many years.

I think a lot about what I want to create in this world and what I want my purpose to be. About a year ago, my heart leapt out of my chest when I discovered that there is a place to grow in the Work, called, drumroll please, The School for the Work. Now this certain school, being of great value to its partipants, does not come cheap. It's, oh, about $5,000 for nine days of learning. My heart sank, then did a double leap when I learned that there are a limited number of full scholarships available to teachers who will bring The Work back to their schools and communities. (!!!)

At the time, however, I was not in a good place to manifest a dream. I was living in a really volatile situation and was absolutely miserable. I applied, but it was no surprise when I was not approved for the scholarship. Disappointed, I put that dream on the back burner and went back into survival mode.

So much has happened since then. I've manifested a much better living situation. I have grown immensely. Even better, I am in a school and community that could really use The Work in a big, big way. I can see now how my tender heart was closed to the courage it would take to attend The School back then, but today it is wide open.

My application is in, and I will find out the news any day now...If you are out there reading this, will you add my dream to your thoughts and prayers?

"A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth.
We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years.
The person who turns inner violence around,
the person who finds peace inside and lives it,
is the one who teaches what true peace is.
We are waiting for just one teacher.
You’re the one."
Byron Katie

Letting love in

What love looks like. Two of my former students, May 2006.

A year and a half ago, I officially declared myself done with the dating scene. You might remember it.

Some friends raised their eyebrows, but I meant it. Looking back, I gave myself a big gift in giving myself some time off from being something (often, everything) to someone. I have learned so much in the months since, things that ironically have opened my heart to finally love again. Not in a guarded, keep-your-distance-because-I've-had-my-heart-crushed kind of way, but in a gentler, kinder, deeper way.

So now, that means doing something scary. It means coming back here and making a new declaration even though it scares my socks off. I haven't rehearsed this, so here goes.

I am ready to love someone deeply and unconditionally, to reveal myself fully, to see myself and another with the eyes of pure love. I am ready to share my life with a great man, not someone who completes me, but someone with whom we can celebrate our completeness as individuals.

So, about That Guy. I don't yet know his name, but I do know a little about him. He is a kind, gentle soul who is honest with himself and others. He can carry on a deep, meaningful conversation, but he also appreciates the staggering brilliance that is Dumb and Dumber. He takes responsiblity for his own happiness, and he is dedicated to his own growth. He is a real adult man, with a real job and financial security. He knows what he wants, and he creates it. He doesn't know all there is to know about the Universe, but he loves the questions. He also loves nature, laughter, children, and of course, me.

That Guy is the man who can be with me on my best and worst days, when things are happy and when they are a huge mess, and bravely love me just the same.

This kind of love takes courage. It takes someone who has walked through the darkness, who has lost and then regained the hope that the light of love would eventually shine. It may sound silly, but I'm getting a glimpse of something bright.

Floating

I had a phone conversation recently with a close family member. She had been in good spirits lately, but when she answered the phone this time, I immediately sensed her mood, and it was very heavy and dark. There was polite conversation for a few moments, and when we hung up, a major realization dawned on me.

I did not want to fix her bad mood. This may not sound like much, but friends, this is HUGE. I grew up playing the role of the peacemaker in my home. As the result, I often take other people's bad moods personally- there is an overwhelming desire to fix things for them.

It goes against what I have come to know in recent years- that everyone's happiness is a choice. That knowledge, however, was not enough to keep me from resisting the desire to jump into someone else's business and try to make them happy. Until this phone call, that is.

I get it, really get it, that it is her choice to be happy or unhappy. She has everything she needs within her to manifest anything we call good or bad. I was reminded of how many times in my own life I choose to be unhappy. It has absolutely nothing to do with the people I'm with or situations I'm in- it's a choice. Every single time. I also get it that there is power in choosing to feel that unhappiness, to sit with the negativity instead of numbing oneself to it.

There was another conversation this week with a dear friend, in which something I mentioned (after checking in with myself to be certain my intention was loving) caused her to feel some major guilt. (Rather, she chose her default response of guilt in response to my words.) I came so close to then feeling guilty myself, but as if life was in slow-motion, I stopped myself mid-air and came back down into my own business.

There is first the knowledge that I cannot fix anyone, then the deeper truth that no one needs to be fixed.

I was meditating/daydreaming recently and I asked the Universe for some answers about my family. I was shown a sort of "mind movie" in which all of my family members were on a boat in the ocean. The boat capsized, and we were all flung into the cold waves. Almost immediately, my older sister was scooped up onto another boat with her husband, his family, and their two children. My father, too, climbed onto a boat with his new wife. Eventually as time passed, my brother found his boat. My mother, grandmother, and I were left in the water, separated by the currents. At first, there was this panicked need to get everyone back into the original boat. But then I saw that they had made new lives, better lives, for themselves. For a long time, it felt as if I was drowning. Finally I let go and sank beneath the water. To my surprise, God's hand reached down to hold me up, and I floated.

*****************************************************

There is laundry to be done, a shower that needs a good scrubbing, bills to pay, gifts to unpack. The floors need to be mopped and vacuumed. Come to think of it, my car could use some vacuuming itself. My bedroom floor is cluttered to the max (such that late-night bathroom runs have become dangerous missions).

Ah, but then, there is this. This being me cocooned in my blanket on the couch, my hair deep-conditioned, my legs just shaved, breathing deeper than I have in a while. There are episodes of Planet Earth and The Office on the DVR, and marathon phone conversations to be had with Tara in which we debate whether or not a trip to the rainforest should be added to our life lists. (She continues to point out the immense population of exotic insects and the effects of humidity on her hair; the latter is one of my reasons for wanting to book a trip.) There is also the feeling that my mind has finally given in to relaxation and the wheels are slowing down. I am quite sure that if I lit a single candle and became still, I would fall into a deep, blissful meditation.

This wins.

Growing through the cracks

Photo found on Google images.

I finally feel like I've settled into my winter break (with eight glorious days off still ahead!). It always takes a while to let myself really relax and turn off my brain. My career as a kindergarten teacher fills my mind 24/7, and it's a huge relief when I let it go and just be.

I still have not found balance between teaching and being my authentic self. When I look at the amount of time I spend on the "shoulds" (keeping up a classroom, lesson planning, assessments, parent communication, staff meetings, intervention team meetings, committee meetings, professional development, paperwork, assigned readings and oh yeah, TEACHING) versus the things I value most (being fully present with my students, sharing soul stories, real quality time with the people I love, using writing as a creative and spiritual pastime, time in the country, conversations with the Universe, reconnecting with old friends- myself included, being still...), the scales unfortunately tip in favor of the former.

I'm looking ahead to 2009 with serious determination that there will be less stress and more joy. I am committed to giving myself a damn good year. I deserve it. The past year has been so BUSY, busier than I've ever been before. Quite frankly, 2008 sucked in a lot of ways (and absolutely yes, it rocked at some points as well). It sucked that my life was so full of "stuff" that distracted me from who I really am. It sucked that I let myself get caught up in stress. I am so grateful that, by some miracle, I came out of all that stress with my health.

At the beginning of 2008, I made a conscious decision to go within, to feel all of my feelings and discover what was true for me in some situations I had avoided for years. I thought of myself (and still do) as a very self-aware being, but I was surprised to discover many beliefs, hurts, and fears that I did not know I carried. It felt as if the Universe finally heard my pleas for ANSWERS! DAMNIT! and opened up my head and poured in all the answers, one right after the other, before I could catch my breath and process anything. Dealing with all of that stuff, all while living with a crazy roommate, then moving both my home and classroom, working harder than ever before in a new job, struggling with my weight, feeling a major need to let go in one of my main relationships all while wanting so much to hold on, and trying to deal with some serious family issues, *deep breath*, was seriously overwhelming. I look back now, and it's like, Duh. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I cried "for no reason" all year long. LORD!

And yet, as I sit here finally taking a breath, I am quite amazed at what I was able to heal and create for myself in the midst of such chaos. It reminds me of the flowers that I see blossoming out of the cracks in sidewalks. There are still, at the end of a nutty year, miracles that emerge from the mess.

Thoughts on sickness

Thinking happy, healthy thoughts. At home, December 2008.

The past two days, I experienced a serious turn-around regarding sickness. On Sunday evening, I began to feel icky. My body ached, I was sniffling, my glands felt swollen. I immediately recognized it as the feeling I get just before getting sick. I chose to take on the position of the observer, and just watch what my thoughts would do around this new predicament.

Aha! Suddenly I realized what a strange thought this was- "I am getting sick." This of course implies that things are going to get worse. But would they worsen without the thought?

I believe that when I begin to get too stressed out and busy, my very clever body reminds me to slow down by creating certain symptoms. These symptoms tell me (sometimes, force me) to spend some time resting. However, does the Universe really require that we experience all-out sickness? (Of course not.) What if, in all of those times when my throat was a bit scratchy or my body felt fatigued, what if that was all I needed to remind me of what my body needed? What if it was simply the thought "I am getting sick" that caused my symptoms to worsen and become an illness?

I noticed too how quickly after thinking "I am getting sick," my brain got to work proving that to be true. I recalled several winter breaks in the past in which my body, exhausted from stress, created some really wicked earaches and sore throats. I then remembered that Tara, my best friend, had been sick when she attended my birthday dinner on Saturday. "Oh crap," I thought. "I was sitting next to her, so she must have passed it on to me." My brain then recalled talking to my father on the phone last week when he was fighting a nasty cold. Ahhh, the old favorite- "It must be going around."

WOW.

I decided to spend some time in the present moment, to let go of my negative thoughts and give my brain a break. I noticed my glands feeling tender, the dull ache over my entire body, the bit of congestion. I sat with it, just noticing what I felt. I listened to my body. I pampered myself with hot baths, a heated pack on my neck, my softest pajamas and socks. I slept more than I have in a long time, without any guilt whatsoever for not being "productive." (Of course, now I notice that I was being quite productive in giving my body exactly what it needed).

My body continued to hurt through Monday, and I just continued to watch. I turned down invitations to hang out with friends, let my voicemail handle my calls, and just continued the interesting process of not resisting.

Incredibly, my symptoms never worsened. Then, when I woke up this morning, it was as if nothing ever happened. My body felt light, rested, and joyful. All of this because I chose not to resist, and I chose not to tell a negative story about what I was experiencing.

WOOHOO!!!

This Christmas, I am so grateful for my health and the amazing power of my mind.

Happy holidays to all.

xoxo

10 things, on my 100th post

My 100th post! And sadly, nothing life-changing will happen here. Just a few random thoughts from me, who is post pre-sick. Long story. Later.

1. Who is Chromeo? Right now I am listening to Bonafied Loving, and I swear, if I had an ounce of liquor in me, I would break it down in my living room. Alone. In the dark.

2. 27th birthday happened five days ago. I have never felt strange on a birthday before. 27 was...different. Man, I feel old.

3. One sign I'm getting old? I suddenly find Liam Neeson irresistibly hot. This goes against everything I know to be true.

4. I healed a little piece of myself today in relationship to my family. Baby steps.

5. The reason I haven't written about my other dreams is that I disconnected from them in order to collapse from pure exhaustion. They are there, in the hidden places of my heart, waiting to be brought to light again. Soon, soon.

6. If I could have anyting in the world in this moment, I would be telling soul stories with an old friend in front of a roaring fire.

7. I get it, that everything is perfect just as it is. Even here, now, with the sniffles and aches, I feel the perfection. Sigh.

8. I think a piece of my purpose here on this planet is to heal myself and those around me with laughter, and I do it every single day, without thinking.

9. I'm on a break from everything. I am only sitting in the present moment. It's kinda nice.

10. God, I am so grateful.

P.S. I love you.