The 1st Dream

Italy, found on Google Images.

A few months ago, on a whim, I paid a visit to my lovely psychic. I didn't have any questions for her, at least none that I was aware of at the time. I went there searching for something I couldn't name. I felt the whisper of something that was to come, and I wanted some insight before I agreed to step into it.

In short, she told me that I had some work to do that involved some of my most important relationships. With her gentle but wise instructions, I walked away that day feeling hopeful and inspired. I did not know that the new few months my inner world would turn upside down, and I would be left questioning everything I held dear. I began to feel that there was some unnamed sadness weighing me down. Frustrated at how my life seemed to be standing still, I told the Universe that I was ready to finally let the sadness in so that I could learn from it what I needed to know. Outside, nothing changed. But I soon found myself feeling things I'd never allowed myself to feel before. It felt like the Universe lifted a veil of illusion that had been protecting me until I was ready to see my truth. I opened the door to a lifetime of buried wounds. When I tried to deal with one small piece of my pain, a door opened and more flooded in. Things that I thought had healed returned, magnified times ten. The pain of the past completely enveloped me, and I cried for a month.

Then, slowly, the darkness gave way to light. I realized that in the midst of a very real and deep sadness, I had reached a new level of trust with the Universe. I felt lighter, braver, and somehow, softer. I had walked through pain, and I came out a little gentler and wiser. I felt no anger or bitterness. I felt no need to judge anyone in my life, past or present. I began to crave the answers to questions like "What woud love do now?" "What is the most powerful choice I can make in this moment?" "Will this choice reflect who I really am?"

I remembered the beginning of this year, when I declared that 2008 would be a year for going within and creating. Geez louise, I had no idea what I was manifesting with those words! So now that the year is coming to a close, I decided to make a really powerful choice for 2009.

2009 is going to be the year in which I challenge the Universe to bring me joy, laughter, and adventure, and challenge myself to accept it fully and with gratitude.

So what will that look like?

Well, dream numero uno: ITALY!!! Italy has been in my heart for years, but always a distant thought, an item on a long list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I never allowed myself the luxury of believing I could actually have this dream come true, mostly due to some false beliefs around deserving.

My little dream was reignited upon reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I remembered how much I want to be an independent woman who travels the world, meeting all of my wonderful soulmates along the way. I felt jealous but intrigued when reading about her incredible Italian journey. These words, in particular, woke me up: "My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable even to myself that I probably coudn't have picked me out of a police lineup. But I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness until it drags you face-first out of the dirt-this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your enlightenment as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

Then my friend Kate took off on a month-long trip to Italy over the summer. A month, people. I felt a long-buried part of myself coming back to life when reading about her experiences. And it hit me- I was so moved because this was my divine right- to dream of something and to watch it be born.

I decided to let myself dream of Italy again, this time picturing all of the juicy details of my adventure. And in moments between dreaming, doors have begun to open. Through some serious synchronicity, I learned of a grant program that could possibly send me to Italy, for free. I talked to Kate, and she told me of her plans to be in Italy over the summer again. We both became giddy with excitement over the prospect of meeting in person on another continent. Then, I found a creativity workshop in Florence, which coincidentally happens to be ;-) where she will be staying. Oh, the butterflies! I feel like a little girl writing a letter to Santa, only this time it's to the Universe, who I trust with all of my heart.

Ah, then the resistance. I started to deal with the human side of this soul dream- finances. I still struggle with my thoughts around money (no surprise, isn't that on everone's mind lately?). I still let myself believe that there isn't enough. So when adding up the dollars, I felt very anxious and started to doubt my dream could actually be made real. Then, while brushing my teeth, I read a quote I have framed by Jen Lemen:
Inspired, I courageously stepped back into my dream tonight. I let go of wanting to control, or even know, the details. I wrote my wish on a card and placed it in my dream box. Universe, take note!

A closeup of the box, handmade by the fabulous mermaid McCabe...

A question from your friend the Universe: Just how much time do you spend thinking really, really BIG?

Good, very good! Because that's exactly how much of it you're going to get.

Mike Dooley

Three

Italy. Found on Google Images.

I have three big (BIG) dreams blooming inside me at this very moment. I feel like a little girl waiting for the sound of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve. I swing back and forth from excitement to doubt. I have to keep reminding myself that my dreams want me as much as I want them. Oh, the anticipation!!!

And to the Universe-

thank you, thank you, thank you!

Waiting

Me, November 22, 2008

Once upon a time a visitor came to the monastery looking for the purpose and meaning of life.

The teacher said to the visitor, "If what you seek is Truth, there is one thing you must have above all else."

"I know," said the visitor. "To find truth I must have an overwhelming passion for it."

"No," the Teacher said. "In order to find Truth, you must have an unremitting readiness to admit you may be wrong."

Interesting that it's almost always a Sunday when I find the courage to return here...

My head is full of questions, questions whose answers will certainly change my life. I ask them, every morning and evening, lying under the covers in the dark. The answers haven't come, but there is a deep knowing within me that they are moments away. So I sit, and I wait.

When I let go long enough, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Life today is full. Sweet, kind, oh-so-huggable kindergarteners. Family relationships that are slowly expanding to make room for my authentic self. A really, really good roommate who stayed up last night with me to build a fire and drink sparkling grape juice. A friendship with Tara, which after a year of our inner landscapes changing in enormous ways, is still as strong, loving, and funny as ever. And then there's me- speaking my truth when it's terrifying, letting go, opening my heart, and asking the questions that will determine who I am.