Happy birthday, Tara!

(To borrow from What Dreams May Come) This is to Tara, for being so wonderful a gal would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.

Dear Tara,
Today you are the big 2-5! (Cue the lawnmower.) I wasn't entirely sure about writing this on here, because I do not believe words can begin to capture the best friendship I've ever known. I would not be sitting here today if it weren't for your strength. You are my sunshine, my soulmate.

I could never have guessed how far we would come when I first met you at Grady. I remember you being the tall chick in the denim jacket, the girl who seemed like she had much better things to be doing than answering calls about rectums that "just fell out." From that first day we spent together in the city, it was as if I had known you forever. And of course, I had.

My funniest memories in this lifetime have been made with you. I am not sure there are any two people on this planet who laugh as much as we do. Sitting here, I keep replaying the hundreds of hilarious moments we've shared, and I am laughing out loud, that really ridiculous laugh you know so well. Even our really dramatic arguments crack me up, me yelling at you from the backseat on the drive home from Lawton, you slamming my front door as you set out to prove that phalangies are fingers. Fine, fine. You win. But I so win the lyric wars- it is not Help me, Wanda.

Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser (god, I hope), I am amazed that we survived. Remember those months living together in that tiny $225-a-month, one-bedroom apartment? We didn't have much, just some Cheez-its, Pucker, that damn squeaky bed, and a revolving front door, but those were some of the best times of my life. (I wonder if Guy Upstairs agrees. That man knew more details about our lives than anyone else, and I think he was concerned.) Or wandering the streets of New Orleans at 4 a.m. in pajamas, you stopping to hear a poem from a homeless man while I tried to drag you away? And tell me, seriously, why did we think a biker rally in the middle of nowhere in July sounded like a good idea (not to mention tequila and deep-fried turkey)?

Somehow we did survive, and we learned to be a little more responsible, a little more cautious. But still, whether it's at home watching the Food Network in our pj's or on a road trip or on an airplane or in a bar, anyplace really, there is always adventure and laughter. I love that we see the world with the same eyes and wacky sense of humor. I love that when we walk into a room, more often than not someoone utters the word "trouble" with a big grin. I know that our souls must get really excited (and our guardian angels, really nervous) when we get together. We never know what's going to happen, but we don't really care, because we're going to have a blast doing it.

And it's not just the fun times I love. We've walked each other through illness, broken hearts, divorce, letting go, mental breakdowns, family drama, discussions about Plan B over breakfast at The Roundup, and lapses in judgment called Monkey Milkshakes.

Two weeks ago, we almost lost each other. Maybe someday we will be able to tell that story, but for now, it will go untold. I want you to know that nothing has ever scared me more than hearing my best friend beg for her life, not even the fear of losing my own. I know that we saved one another that night. The thing I carry with me, the thing that takes my breath away, is the memory of you begging me to never leave you. Tara, please remember this always. No matter what lies ahead, your soul and mine will be together forever, hand in hand.

I love you more than cheese.

Love,

Me

P.S. Real sorry about the fish soup.

After...

Well, well, well.

I have an interview with one of my top three school choices. The job fair was absolutely wonderful, confirmation of the feeling I've been having that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf. I left feeling both excited and peaceful. If only I could always remember that life is supposed to be this effortless, this easy.

So many things are blooming for me right now. A new job, possibilities for a new home, upcoming sessions with an absolutely amazing life coach, and one really wonderful possibility on which I'm remaining silent for a bit longer. I feel humbled and oh-so-grateful.

I know that many believe that the Law of Attraction doesn't leave room for a higher power, that we hold all that power within. Let me just say that my truth is this- I am a powerful creator, but I can absolutely feel a loving, compassionate, higher being that is walking this path beside me, working magic on my behalf, and delighting in my bliss. Call it what you want, but we are not alone in this world. We are so, so loved.

Lookin' for a j-o-b

In a few moments, I will take a long bath, put on my favorite skirt (I'm wearing skirts again, woohoo!), and head out to a teacher job fair.

This morning, in my conversation with God, I was asked what my soul really wants in a new job. A bigger classroom? Less challenging students? More materials? After a few deep breaths, I knew the answer. My soul wants me to fulfill my purpose in a job that allows me to express my true self. My soul wants me to love my job and have it love me back.

That is the intention I'm taking with me today. I may or may not accept a position today, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever I choose, it will be the right decision. There's no other way.

I will update here later this evening, but for now, I want to leave you with a quote I found in Notes from the Universe by Mike Dooley. It resonates with me so, so deeply.

Choose feelings over logic, adventure over perfection, here over there, now over then, and always love, love, love.

Overalls

Found at http://www.heartworksgallery.net

I have lots of wonderful, magical, and funny things to share, but those will have to wait a bit longer. While I have a few moments, I want to tell you about a wink I received from the Universe.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was at work, and I looked down to see that I was wearing overalls (?). The strange part is that they were on backwards. I was embarassed, so I rushed to the bathroom to fix them. I woke up feeling as if the dream had really happened. Trying to get back to reality, I flipped open my cell phone to check my e-mail.

There I found a note from the Universe...

Take it from the farmer in me, Lindsay...

The more seeds you sow, the more plants we'll grow.
I love wearing overalls,

The Universe

Don't you just love moments like these, when magic shows up unexpectedly?

;-)

Attacked by cuteness

Found this picture on Google Images.

My priorities in life have shifted. Here is the updated list.

1. Find this fella.

2. Adopt him.

3. Name him Newman.

4. Snuggle him. Often.

Dear lord, help me. No, really.

In my last post, I talked about having good days and bad days.

Today was the latter.

I have a tendency to only blog on the good days, or at least until I have some perspective on the bad ones, mostly because on the bad days I can't muster up the energy to write. Today was one of those days, but after a little de-stressing, I'm here to tell you about it.

As you know, I am becoming increasingly fascinated with the concept of loving what is. I've been doing the inner work to make that possible in my daily life, and sometimes it works like a magic wand, other days it doesn't quick make it through the cloud of negative thoughts.

This morning, I had to wake up early for a conference (one I've been looking forward to for months). As soon as I rolled out of bed, I was hit by a wave of nausea. I ended up hugging the toilet for the next fifteen minutes. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I wasn't resisting it with thoughts like "God, I don't want to throw up," or "Again? What the hell?" It was almost as if I was two separate people- the one getting up close and personal with the john, and the other one simply noticing what was going on, without any judgments or opinions.

I finished getting ready and headed out on my morning drive. The traffic was pretty heavy, but I just enjoyed watching the morning sun reflect off the buildings and listening to some of my favorite songs. The commute took longer than expected, but I didn't mind. At the conference, I found out that the speakers I signed up to hear were out sick, and I would have to choose different sessions. I felt disappointed, but I figured, what the heck? I'll see else is in store for me.

Well, that's where the positive thinking ends and the not-so-happy Lindsay enters. The speaker I had was so boring, I had to keep thinking of ways to entertain myself in order to stay awake. In the middle of doodling a daisy on my note-taking paper, I realized that my pants were really, really tight. All of a sudden I pictured myself passing out from lack of oxygen and being carted out by paramedics, all while the speaker droned on about differentiating instruction and No Child Left Behind and poverty's effect on education and...wait, what was she talking about?

And then, in another thrilling turn of events, the ill-fitting pants took a backseat to a sudden feeling of nausea. And while the early morning nausea was subtle, this episode had all the gentility of a freight train. I ran out of the room and spent the next few minutes getting familiar with another toilet. Those of you who have experienced the joy of ralphing into a public toilet will understand when I say that my good mood officially decided to hit the road.

I made it home, where I threw myself across the bed and passed out for a good five hours. I have no idea what had hit me, but I'd pay good money to be able to hit back. I woke up in a mood. I'd call it a bad mood, but I don't think that quite covers it. I had, oh, about a thousand negative thoughts run through my head over the next few hours. I put myself in the position of the watcher, and I was shocked at the horrible things I say to myself. No wonder I get exhausted so easily nowadays.

I was pissed off about the meeting I have to attend tomorrow, the voice of Cruisin' Connie on the radio, my increasing pant size, my friend being halfway-attentive during our phone call, the pile of laundry on my floor. Knowing what I know, I just sat there and let the thoughts come. And no, it wasn't all peaceful and zen-like. It SUCKED. I felt angry, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, hopeless, fat, unattractive, lazy...I'll spare you the rest. I started to feel claustrophobic, so I headed to the backyard for some fresh air.

I set up the camping chair, laid back, took a few deep breaths, and...

the effing chair collapsed. Oh yes, what better way to top off a fat day? I hit the ground, hard. Daisy thought it was some kind of game, so she came running over to join the fun. There I was, laying in the dirt, on top of a mangled chair, with a sixty-pound dog jumping on me. I collapsed into a fit of laughter and called Tara to share the tragic story.

In my defense, that chair was on its way to Jesus before I made the journey complete. That's what I'm telling myself.

Not to be deterred, I found another chair, set up camp, and eventually was able to come back to my true self. I know that more bad days will come, but thankfully I've still got my sense of humor.

And a spare lawn chair.

Tending to my dreams

Where flowers bloom so does hope. Lady Bird Johnson

I love The Secret. I love that it reminds us of our unlimited potential as powerful creators of our reality. What hasn't worked for me, however, is the idea that in order to attract what I want, I have to live my life in a great mood, thinking only positive thoughts.

What I don't like about that is that it doesn't leave room for the bad days. There are spiritual masters on this planet who rarely, if ever, experience an "off" day, but we all know very well that I am not there yet.

In learning to love what is, I am finding that I don't resist the ick so much nowadays. It knocks on the door, I let it in, we sit together for a while, it leaves. No drama. I get pissed off and frustrated and pessimistic and crazy and sad and anxious, and that's that. I am working on simply letting those feelings come and go without judging them. Working on it, I said.

My pattern in the past was to put on a happy face, ignore the "bad" feelings, and think positive thoughts. However, something would inevitably happen, and all my good intentions would go to shit. What was frustrating was the thought that being in a negative place meant that whatever I wanted to attract was repelled and outta here, forever. "Yep, failed again."

Yesterday, I was in a really good place emotionally. I was content, happy, fulfilled, grateful, allowing. I focused on the things that I want to attract, and I felt confident they were headed my way.

This morning, on the drive to work, I realized that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting for something to come along and knock me out of my good mood (doesn't really take much, some days), and therefore cause whatever good things were coming my way to do a 180 and head for the hills.

In that moment, the Universe sent me an image of a flower. I started thinking about how a gardener gets a flower to grow. It isn't much work on the gardener's part, really. It's a little labor and a lot of magic. The gardener plants the seed, waters it, and goes on her way. She stops in periodically to water the soil, but she spends the rest of the day just going about her life. She might have good days, she might have bad days. She might get irritated at traffic, or she might have an argument with her boss. She might miss a day of watering.

That stuff doesn't matter to the flower. Under the surface, it just keeps growing. The gardener doesn't see the progress right away, but she doesn't worry. She doesn't question whether or not she deserves to see her seed come to life. She has faith that the flower will arrive, and in time, it does.

I think this is how it's meant to be with our dreams. We plant the seed when we visualize what we want to bring about. We water the seed when we come back to our center, get quiet, and give thanks. And then we walk away. We live our lives, accepting whatever comes our way, resisting nothing. We have blissful days and pissy days and everything in between, stopping back in once in while to water the seeds we've planted. And all the while we know that just under the surface, something magic is happening.

While meditating

Peace in the Wichitas, June 2007. Photo by Bob Card.

True peace exists
not in the empty spaces
but in the fullness

allowing all
resisting none

welcoming
god...
appearing as
people
circumstances
events

the lines blur
between the good
and bad
until all becomes
One

wanting only what is
exactly as it appears
now

seeing "problems"
as divine gifts
watching past events unfold
with gratitude

every breath
is quiet, quiet bliss

there is enough
you are enough
i am enough

smiling
laughing
allowing
being.

Ordinary

I wake up at 8:48, decide I'm not ready to start the day, and snuggle back under the covers.

At 9:15, my hunger wins. I stumble into the kitchen for a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats.

I settle onto the couch and scroll through the DVR list, finally choosing Hope Floats. I fast-forward to the sappy parts and tear up at scenes I've watched a dozen times.

Suddenly I feel a crappy mood coming on for no apparent reason (god, I love being a woman). Remembering my chiropractor's advice, I ice my shoulder and decide to meditate in an attempt to cleanse my aura.

Probably should have tried a sitting position, I think when I wake up two hours later, fuzzy-headed but feeling a little lighter.

Back to my spot on the couch, I indulge in an episode of My Fair Brady, Hawaiian pizza, and a glass of Pepsi. My fourteen-year-old self would have killed for a day like this, I think to myself as I down my second glass.

The wind outside is blowing so hard that it's knocking out power and setting off car alarms. Wondering what I should wear for my movie outing later, I step outside in my bare feet.

Something bright catches my eye. I look down to see the first flower of spring, a bright yellow daffodil, just outside my front door.

I smile, take a pic with my cell phone, and silently thank the Universe for granting my wish.

Turns out, when one is paying attention, there is really no such thing as an ordinary day.