Growing through the cracks

Photo found on Google images.

I finally feel like I've settled into my winter break (with eight glorious days off still ahead!). It always takes a while to let myself really relax and turn off my brain. My career as a kindergarten teacher fills my mind 24/7, and it's a huge relief when I let it go and just be.

I still have not found balance between teaching and being my authentic self. When I look at the amount of time I spend on the "shoulds" (keeping up a classroom, lesson planning, assessments, parent communication, staff meetings, intervention team meetings, committee meetings, professional development, paperwork, assigned readings and oh yeah, TEACHING) versus the things I value most (being fully present with my students, sharing soul stories, real quality time with the people I love, using writing as a creative and spiritual pastime, time in the country, conversations with the Universe, reconnecting with old friends- myself included, being still...), the scales unfortunately tip in favor of the former.

I'm looking ahead to 2009 with serious determination that there will be less stress and more joy. I am committed to giving myself a damn good year. I deserve it. The past year has been so BUSY, busier than I've ever been before. Quite frankly, 2008 sucked in a lot of ways (and absolutely yes, it rocked at some points as well). It sucked that my life was so full of "stuff" that distracted me from who I really am. It sucked that I let myself get caught up in stress. I am so grateful that, by some miracle, I came out of all that stress with my health.

At the beginning of 2008, I made a conscious decision to go within, to feel all of my feelings and discover what was true for me in some situations I had avoided for years. I thought of myself (and still do) as a very self-aware being, but I was surprised to discover many beliefs, hurts, and fears that I did not know I carried. It felt as if the Universe finally heard my pleas for ANSWERS! DAMNIT! and opened up my head and poured in all the answers, one right after the other, before I could catch my breath and process anything. Dealing with all of that stuff, all while living with a crazy roommate, then moving both my home and classroom, working harder than ever before in a new job, struggling with my weight, feeling a major need to let go in one of my main relationships all while wanting so much to hold on, and trying to deal with some serious family issues, *deep breath*, was seriously overwhelming. I look back now, and it's like, Duh. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I cried "for no reason" all year long. LORD!

And yet, as I sit here finally taking a breath, I am quite amazed at what I was able to heal and create for myself in the midst of such chaos. It reminds me of the flowers that I see blossoming out of the cracks in sidewalks. There are still, at the end of a nutty year, miracles that emerge from the mess.