Back to essence...

The dent that brought me back to Who I Really Am, February 2008.

Whew. One of the things I am most grateful for in this lifetime is that I have friends who let me freak out. There is such freedom in knowing that I can show the dark, unevolved parts of myself to those around me, and they will still see my light.

Like I said in my last post, it's been a strange year so far. Lots of little icky things, combined with the dreary weather, has had me drowning in sadness, frustration, and doubt. To top things off, last Friday while I was shopping with my roommate, my beautiful little car was hit.

Looking back on that night, I wasn't really concerned about the car. I didn't shed a tear or throw a fit or drown my sorrows in a cheeseburger or a shot of tequila or a cigarette. (That's not to say it didn't cross my mind...) I did call Tara for a venting session, but it wasn't all that dramatic. I just felt numb.

What had me worried was this. What am I doing, what am I thinking, to attract all this negativity into my life? What do I believe about the world that causes these experiences to show up? I sat with that question for a while, then I fell into a fitful sleep, full of nightmares and an early morning migraine.

Well, as luck or divine intervention would have it, the next day was absolutely beautiful. It was one of those sunny, breezy days that make it really hard to throw a pity party. I drove my dented little car to the home of some of the people I love most, and as we sat in the warm sun, I felt all of the negativity fall away. I kid you not, I could feel my aura becoming lighter.

I wiped away tears as I thought of all that I have experienced that made financial woes and sickness and work issues and a dent in my car seem miniscule. I recalled nights laying in bed wondering if my mother would live until the next day, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. I remember running away from home at age fourteen, feeling absolutely hopeless and unlovable. I look back to the day when the love of my life walked away from me, and the many, many lonely nights on the floor that followed, begging god or whoever was listening to take my life.

Then I thought of everyone in the world who was feeling hopeless and unlovable and lonely. I thought about hunger and poverty and rape and genocide and opression. I found myself feeling more grateful than ever before. I have a life full of amazing people. I have a job that allows me to live in a nice home, with electricity and water and a washer and dryer and a dishwasher and cable television and wireless internet. My little dented car is still in working order, and when the darkness set in, it took me to the arms of people that love me. I have my health. I live in a place where I am free to live my life any way I choose. I have the power to change my thoughts, and that is perhaps the biggest freedom of all.

The ego is addictive. The pain, the fear, is comfortable because it's what we have known for so long. I still go there, to the darkness, when things seem to be going wrong. But thank goodness, I always eventually come back to my essence, the part of me that loves deeply and is immensely grateful and sees the perfection. There is nothing more beautiful to me than coming back to love after spending time in fear. It is very much like the bright sunny day after a long winter.

Thank you to everyone who lets me be both the dark and the light, for loving me the same no matter what I choose. Words cannot express my love for you.

And now, knowing that more winter days are ahead, I'm off to download Jack Johnson's new cd to get me through...