Now

It is hard to put into words everything I am feeling in this moment.

I am so very grateful for the amazing people with whom I share my life. I have been able to celebrate my birthday and Christmas with several people that I love and admire. Usually, the holidays aren't really my thing, but this year it seems as if I was able to keep the focus on what really matters to me- time with those I love. The gifts were fun, absolutely, but they took a backseat to the memories we made together.

I have been able to look back on the past year, and I am seeing how everything that I did was necessary to get me to this place of unlimited potential in my life. Everything we do really does matter.

I feel, for the first time, that I really can create anything I choose. There is, within me, a vibrational energy so strong that I physically feel it. I feel hopeful, powerful, and trusting. I'm resisting less, allowing more.

I am finding that the answers are in me, and that the answers that feel so right from "out there" are really just reflecting my own.

I have made a decision to live a bigger life, to love more, to allow more, to give more, to receive more.

I have made a decision, and I feel it in every cell of my body. Now is the time for the magic to happen.

Stay tuned...

Happy Birthday to Me!

So today is the big 2-6.

I'm exhausted from all the goodness, but details will surely follow.

In the meantime, thank you so much to all the lovely people who helped make my day so wonderful. I love you all to pieces.

Here's to the best year yet!

<:0)

LOL

Random selection of online messages received from friends...

So I just sneezed and felt like I was going to pass out. Is that bad?

Do I get Princess cereal for breakfast or are you going to force me to eat cabbage soup? ‘Cause the Holiday Inn serves waffles.

I’ll bring the “I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt” LP.

R is not a number.

I really hope the Bachelor takes his shirt off tonight. I live for that stuff.

So, I went to the gym this evening for my spin class, and they had moved it from the evenings to the mornings. I can't decide if I'm annoyed or overjoyed.

I heart Wonder Pets.

You come over tomorrow for Emperor’s New Groove? Answer: yes.

You can now refer to me as Crackers Papette.

We were never big alcoholics. I mean, not for a long period of time.

Do you love me more than cheese?

I love you more than cheese.

I am in need of church parking lot therapy.

Let the sugar-induced hysteria begin.

I should probably shower. (Not funny unless you realize that it was sent from across the room during a 36-episode marathon of Grey's Anatomy.)

So I made my doctor’s appointment to quit smoking. Until then you will see a cloud of smoke before I appear.

Hold on. I know those trees.

Kitties= not so fun anymore.

Hooray for 14-year-old girl pop from Germany! Oh, and animal noises.

Have you ever seen a popcorn bag burst into flames? I have.

Rainbow Chip has taken over my life.

Choice

My heart hurts a little today.

I have had three opportunities today to play the victim, and my old self is itching to do just that. Oh, how tempting.

It hit me while I was driving. My response is a choice. A choice that is going to create my experience and my future.

So I'm nursing my sad little heart, and I'm sitting with the icky feeling (when what I really want is to call someone and bitch while eating chocolate) until it starts to fade, which it always does.

I'm also saying thank you for the many wonderful things in my life (including the opportunity to choose differently this time).

Love to all.

Hell

My sister and I are both reading Marianne Williamson's book, A Return to Love, and each night we are e-mailing one another to "discuss" one chapter at a time. Today our chapter was "Hell," and it really got me to thinking.

My birthday (December 17th, for those of you taking notes) will mark the one-year anniversary of a decision I made that has changed my life. On my 25th birthday, I promised that this year would be different, that this year would be the best yet, that I would finally start living the life I pictured in my dreams. So many things happened, and yet a few days ago, when I started reflecting, I felt a twinge of disappointment.

I didn't do all of the things I wanted to do. I did not lose the weight that I desperately wanted to rid myself of, in fact, I think I'm slightly heavier now than when I started. I created financial abundance for a few months, then I found myself right back where I began. I manifested a new home, but it fell short of what I really wanted in so many ways. I went on a few unexciting dates, but I never created a loving spiritual partnership with a man. So, for the past few days, I felt a little bummed.

Then I picked up A Return to Love for the bazillionth time. And I got it. This past year, I fell short of several goals for myself, but something major happened.

I got out of hell.

I have spent a lifetime hating myself. I cannot remember a time in my life when I truly felt beautiful or valuable or lovable. I was surrounded, at any given time, by several people who loved me, but I was highly suspicious. I couldn't feel their love, no matter how much they did to prove it.

This year, things have started shifting. I asked the Universe for the best year of my life, and it delivered in a way I wouldn't have known to ask for.

I didn't lose weight, but I did stop hating my body. I started looking at myself in the mirror every day, and after a while disgust turned to indifference. Then, surprisingly, I started to actually like the girl in the mirror. She was an old friend, and heck, she was even kinda cute. No, I didn't fall in love with every piece of my body. Yes, I still have bad days, especially those when my jeans fit a little tighter and I get the dreaded mushroom effect. But I have put down my sword, once and for all. I threw out every diet book I owned, stopped counting calories (this took time, I was really good at it) and stopped torturing myself. Every day, for a few seconds, I looked at the girl in the mirror, and I watched the hatred slowly fade away. Today there are things that I don't like, things I want to change, and yes, I want to lose the weight. But I love myself today, just as I am. I never imagined that would be possible, and it means more to me than a number on the scale.

I did not create a loving spiritual partnership with a man this year, but I did stop dating men that were wrong for me. I stopped saying yes to men when I wanted to say no. I learned how to say no in a loving, honest way. I learned how to speak my truth, how to show up fully, how to love myself so that I can finally believe someone can love me in return. I learned that playing small does not serve me. I did a brave thing when I sought out my ex in order to heal. I went through some very scary emotions, but I stopped torturing myself over it. I'm still healing from that, and I am so proud of myself for facing the thing that has hurt me most in this lifetime.

I did not meet anyone this year with whom I want to start a family, but there has been very real healing in my own family. I had The Talk with my mother that should have happened a decade ago. I told my father my worst fears. My sister and I healed our relationship, and today, I love her so deeply. I stopped judging people, and the walls just came down. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world to share the real me with my family. It is like letting out a breath I've been holding for a lifetime.

I did not make new friends this year, but my friendships became deeper. I stopped saying what I thought they wanted to hear, and instead I spoke my truth, and the people that loved me did a surprising thing. They kept on loving me. I also learned to stop pursuing friendships with some people. I learned that people who are extremely materialistic or pessimistic simply aren't my people, so I silently let them go. It is no longer important to me for everyone to like me, and I want to spend my time and effort on friendships based on what really matters. And Tara, if you're reading this, you are a piece of heaven here on earth.

I did manifest a new home, and it taught me that I really do get what I ask for. I asked for some really basic things, like a nice neighborhood, water pressure (my god, I got it- this shower will knock your ass into the wall if you aren't expecting it), and close proximity to my work. I got all of the things I asked for and not a whole lot more. I am learning to be much more specific when I send out a wish to the Universe. Something out there really is listening.

My financial ups and downs have taught me a very big truth- I am a powerful creator. When I do inner work on prosperity, I create it. When I stop doing those things, the flow of money stops. I haven't yet done it consistently (damn ego), but it is wonderful knowing that I really am the one in control, and I can just as easily create a positive result rather than a negative one, if I choose.

The biggest, best thing to happen to me this year was this- I stopped counting on someone else's truth to save my life. I have picked up many diet books over the years, always believing that this one was The One. What would happen is that I would lose the weight, then gain it all back. I tried everything, and it would work for a while, then I'd fail. I'm also a voracious reader of books on spiritual growth. Just tonight, my sister and I discussed how much we want this book or that book to be The Book, the one that will change our lives. What we always find is that our spiritual high is followed by a crash, and we find ourselves disappointed again. I experienced this in a big way with the movie, The Secret (great movie, in my humble opinion). Of course, some of that is due to the hype surrounding it- it promises that it holds the secret to everything you've ever wanted. Who can resist? Not me, that's for sure. Well, what happened is that I was so psyched after watching it that I started keeping a gratitude journal and doing visualizations. And. It. Worked. My god, it worked in a HUGE way. Then, when the thrill wore off, I was, yep, you guessed it, right back where I started.

So here's what I learned. No book, no movie, no person holds all of our truths. The Secret held some of my truths, as does Conversations with God and A Return to Love. All that any of those outside sources can do is reflect a piece of my own truth back to me. I know that the only one who holds all of the answers for my life is me. Those sources are, at best, wonderful reminders of what I already know.

I spent a lifetime in hell. My hell consisted of self-hatred, body image issues, believing I didn't deserve, financial lack, tumultous relationships, people-pleasing, running from my feelings, avoiding my truth, and countless other self-inflicted dramas. A lifetime. It went on for so long that it became comfortable, and I forgot I was in hell. There were a few rock-bottom moments here and there, but mostly I lived in a quiet stream of discontent.

This year, I feel as if I got out. Self-created hell is part of the human experience, and I know that I will send myself back there at times with my negative thoughts. There will continue to be bad days. It's part of the process, so I'm not judging myself for it. The great news is, I don't live there anymore, I just visit sometimes. And right now, today, I'm not in the mood to take a trip.

Being Lovable

A few months ago, I was meditating on the couch when I had an aha! moment. Thank you, Oprah, for that oh-so-appropriate term. I’ve always known that I am a people-pleaser, but on that day, I found a deeper truth. I have spent a lifetime feeling “not good enough” for love. In what felt like a trance, I slowly traced that feeling all the way back to my childhood in a brick house on a hill in rural Mississippi.

I don’t know if the idea that love had to be earned came from the people around me in my childhood, or if it was a scar from lifetimes past. I simply remember doing whatever I felt it took to be lovable.

I earned straight A’s in school. Learning came easy for me in the early years, probably because I had an older brother and sister to learn from and a mom who stayed home. I was at the top of my class every year, always the first to finish multiplication races, always the fastest reader. I don’t remember making any B’s in those early years. It just never seemed like an option.

My family was deeply involved in the Southern Baptist church, and boy, that is a book in itself. Not only was I active in the choir, I sang solos, much to the delight of the older ladies in the wooden pews. I was a champion Bible Driller. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bible Drills, some old guy yells out a Bible verse and the first person to find it in their Bible and say it out loud wins. Yeah. Thrilling.

I won every science fair and spelling bee I entered. In fact, one year I decided not to enter the spelling bee because I was so terrified of losing. Watching from the bleachers, I was astounded to find out that the hardest word in that bee was “umbrella.” I was pissed.

I was asked to join the elementary cheerleading squad, and I came close. I attended all of the practices and learned the dances. However, the day of the tryouts, I backed out because I thought that shaking your ass (er, butt, er, rear end) wasn’t a very Christian thing to do. Of course, that made my folks proud and earned me another jewel in my imaginary crown.

While I was in junior high, my father remarried. What I remember most about his wife was that she had a typed list of rules and regulations for our household that a drill sergeant would find excessive. What I think made that list so terrifying for me is that it seemed to be dozens of opportunities for me to fail, ways to prove once and for all that I really wasn’t good enough.

Of course, what really sucked for me as the daughter of Christian parents was that in Christianity, nothing you do is good enough. You are reminded constantly that no matter what you do, you can never be a good person. You are a worthless sinner, and without “being saved,” you can’t experience God’s love.

So when I was around eleven, I was “saved.” I had no effing clue what that meant. I remember being in the pastor’s office with my mom, saying the sinner’s prayer, the whole time staring at my white Keds, thinking, god I hope this works.

Well, it didn’t. I became very active in a church while in junior high, mostly to escape my evil stepmother. Watching reenactments of Jesus being crucified and hearing about how long forever is when you’re in hell scared the crap out of me. I shook my dad awake in the middle of the night to tell him that I wasn’t really a Christian, so what was I supposed to do to get to heaven? A day later, I said the prayer again, this time with Dad at my side, in another pastor’s office. This time, I glared at a brass deer statue as the pastor asked me if I believed Jesus died for my sins. My answer? “I guess so.” Good enough, apparently.

I spent the following years going to church camps, rededicating my life to Jesus several times, and even attending a Southern Baptist high school. Do not get me started.

Not only was I being told that I wasn’t good enough, that this dude named Jesus was the only reason I was being spared an eternity in hell, and that everything I wanted in life was wrong, I began to really believe it. Why? Well, I couldn’t keep people in my life. They kept leaving. From the time I entered high school up until a couple of years ago, every single person I loved gave up on me. Family, friends, exes, everyone.

I am not going to detail those things here because there are two sides to every story, because I don’t want to play the victim, because I genuinely believe that they did what was right for them. Having had time to process it, I am beginning to see their side of the story, and I am starting to understand why they left. I get it. And it still hurts.

I know that the common denominator here is me, and this is my pattern. Everyone was simply playing their part. I know that I attracted the experiences of losing loved ones because I needed to learn from them. I needed to know who I’m not (not good enough) before learning Who I Am (more than enough).

I am finally learning my truth, that nothing I do will ever make me lovable. I am lovable being Who I Am, and that is the good and the bad, the failures and the accomplishments, the fear and the love, the shadow and the light.

On that day, in the midst of this flood of truths, I realized that as a young girl experiencing some of life’s toughest lessons, what I most needed to hear was that someone was proud of me, no matter what. Later that afternoon, I sent an instant message to Bob telling him that he better be damn proud of me, I had resisted a bowl of ice cream (we were both on diets). His simple response brought tears to my eyes and healing to the little girl still inside me- “I’ll always be proud of you, no matter what.” Thank you, Bob.

Resistance

An old self is dying, a new self is emerging.

I can feel it in every cell in my body. Lately I am swinging back and forth between the poles of love and fear. Sometimes I feel a very positive vibrational energy, a hopefulneess, an excitement for what is to come. And then there are days, like today, when my ego is scared to death. Literally. My ego, my old self, my old identity, is dying, and it is terrified.

The past week or so has been a time of intense resistance. Even my body became ill in response to the overwhelming fear. I found myself doing absolutely anything to avoid the stillness, because whatever the Universe had in store for me, it felt like too much.

I tried to meditate, and I became restless. I bit my fingernails. I watched an insane amount of television. I surrounded myself with people, with noise. I ate. I slept. I daydreamed. I read blogs, magazines, books. I made phone calls, sent out e-mails.

Today the house is empty for the first time in quite a while. Finally, I decided to go within. What I found was a swirl of negative thoughts and fears. I cried harder than I have in a long time as I listened to the words that so desperately needed to be heard...

I am saddened by the secrets that I have to keep in this family in order for the people I love to stay in the room of my life.

I am terrified that I really am not good enough, that I’ll never lose the weight or find love or create lasting financial abundance or keep a friendship for a lifetime.

I am scared that my shadow really is who I am, and that my light is the illusion.

I worry every single day about losing the people I love, that something I say or do will make them believe I’m not a good person, and they’ll walk away. Again.

I worry that I’m too scarred, too complicated, too spiritual, too much, to fall in love again and have it returned.

I tell myself that no matter how much inner growth happened in the last year, it wasn’t enough because there isn’t enough on the outside to show for it.

I worry that my chance has passed.

I worry that while I’m doing all this inner work, the rest of the world is leaving me behind, and everyone else is achieving the things I most want to do. Falling in love, traveling the world, writing books, doing meaningful work that heals the world.

I worry that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough.

I worry that real change takes self-discipline and willpower, which I lack.

I tell myself that the people who walked away from me have better lives without me in them.

It is so, so, so hard for me to love some people, and I think that makes me a bad person.

I worry that I don’t have what it takes to do my job the way I want it done.

I have failed so much in my life (and by failing, I mean falling short of the perfection I expect of myself) that I now identify myself as one who fails.

Geez-us-louise-us. This growth stuff is so effing hard, sometimes.

I know, deep within, that my fears are all a part of the illusion. I know that I am a powerful creator. I know that Love is on my side. It just doesn't feel that way in this moment.

So today, I am being gentle with myself. I deserve a good break, a good cry, and a good bath.

Love to all.

P.S. Like my fears, the ice is slowly melting away. Friends have been calling to let me know they have their power back. And in a much deeper sense, I do too.

Warmth

Today's view from my back door, taken with my cell phone.

I never do this. I have never posted an entry, then changed it. However, today I felt the need to do just that.

I had written a post about my experience of the storm, and I've decided to take that down. It doesn't need to be about me.

So this short post is just to say this- I am praying for the thousands of people affected by the ice storm of the past few days. I pray that everyone finds warmth, both from restored power and the love of good friends.

The Universe Delivers, Part Two

Today I had an unexpected visitor- a former student's mother who also happens to be a reading specialist. She dropped in to tell me that I had been on her mind lately, and she has decided to start volunteering her time tutoring my lowest-performing students.

*Cue happy dance...*

It is so exciting to see goodness coming into my life that I would never have known to ask for specifically. Surprises are the best!

I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this goodness, and while it doesn't seem like enough, "thank you" is oh-so-powerful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The Universe Delivers

Okay, but seriously, the Universe de-liv-ers.

Just last night, I wrote the following:

So the questions I am facing now are these: how do I run such a classroom? What are the tools that I need? Who will support me in this? How do I teach these things in addition to what is required by the district? How do I keep myself in the state of mind that is necessary to maintain this type of environment? The big one- how can I let go of the things that don't matter, but I want so badly to control?

A few hours later, I was snugged in bed when I remembered a book that I purchased a while back but never got around to reading. It is called Spirit Whisperers: Teachers Who Nourish a Child's Spirit by Chick Moorman. I dug it out of my dresser, read the back cover, and I was hooked:

"Spirit Whisperers are "way showers." They show us that real education has nothing to do with covering content, but is now and has always been a drawing out of what already exists in the student rather than a putting in of what we see as necessary to fill perceived deficiencies.

Spirit Whisperers are "hope givers." They give us hope that we can create an educational system that doesn't perceive failure, that grants dignity without it needing to be earned, that holds a child in a state of grace, even as appropriate consequences are implemented.

Spirit Whisperers help us lift our eyes, our hearts, and our spirits to see and remember again what is possible when the main purpose of education becomes the creation of who and what we choose to be."

That is exactly what I was searching for last night. I find it funny that it was there in my dresser drawer all this time, but it took me finally asking the Universe for a little help to finally find my way to those inspiring words. I read the first chapter, in which he discusses the principle of suspended judgement, and I had to find a notebook to write down the flood of ideas that followed. I thought of ways my students could safely express their anger. I thought of alternatives to rest time for my little wiggleworms (this is something that drives me nuts), ideas that won't require any extra effort on my part. I thought of some new ideas for logical consequences on the playground.

The best part? These ideas feel right. They allow me to honor the children's spirits while still maintaining order (and my sanity). The ideas just flowed, and they are still coming.

Also, I happened to glance through the Appendix, and in it I found a website for educators interested in this new way of teaching (and being). There are workshops, online courses, and newsletters. The courses sounded empowering to me, and I am confident that the Universe will provide a way for me to attend.

It doesn't end there. The school secretary called me in this morning to tell me that my most challenging student moved over the weekend. It brought tears to my eyes because I truly felt like the Universe heard me and cared enough to respond in a big way. I do love that student, and I think that he will be better served in a larger district with special services. In addition, I will have much more time to focus on the other students. I believe that the Universe found the most loving solution for us both.

To top off my magnificent day, I received a very encouraging e-mail from my sister that reminded me to be gentle with myself (thank you!). I also had an all-day volunteer who decorated my classroom for the holidays while my students and I had an all-day art party. I will be washing glitter out of my hair (and eyeballs) for some time to come.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Law According to Lindsay

A fantastic idea from Letters to my Daughters...

1. Find your own truths. Do whatever it takes to find them. When you do, trust yourself. You really do know what is best.

2. Laugh often. If you want to keep your soul alive and your sanity intact, find the humor in even the most trying circumstances.

3. Nurture your friendship with the person who knows you best, no matter how busy you are, no matter the physical distance, no matter how much change life brings.

4. Say no to the things that don’t resonate with your soul. If it doesn’t bring more love into the world for yourself and the other, if it doesn’t feel right, if it doesn’t bring you further into who you know yourself to be, say no. And mean it. The right thing will come.

5. Say yes to the things that do. A big, loud, confident YES.

6. Feel all of your feelings deeply. Anger, disappointment, hurt, grief, jealousy, sadness, loss, joy, laughter, bliss, confidence, acceptance, trust. Feel them, but do not hold on to them.

7. Be gentle with yourself. Let go of the judgments, the guilt, the regrets, the body issues.

8. Seek out the things that bring you joy- time with your girlfriends, walks in nature, funny movies, old photographs, the good chocolate. If something is keeping you from your joy (a man, a job, an energy-sucking friend, a negative outlook, a diet, television, gossip, etc.), get rid of it.

9. Never underestimate the power of a much-needed hug. Give them, ask for them.

10. Actions really do speak louder than words. Forget what people tell you, pay attention to what they do.

Purpose

"The key to happiness in the workplace is not to have a job, but to have a purpose."
Dr. Robert Holden

Truth of the day: I am unhappy with my job.

Yeesh. I really did just type that. Let me elaborate.

I've been avoiding it for a while now, but these little truth-telling sessions are working. I knew that this year was different than the previous two, that my stress level was abnormally high, that I was holding a lot of tension in my body that has resulted in a shoulder injury, headaches, and overall ickiness, and that I just haven't been as happy this year.

It is easy to blame the externals, and I have done plenty of that. While I do think that they play a part, I won't go into that here. For the most part, those are things that I have no control over.

I've been sitting with the feeling of unhappiness (and anger and frustration and hopelessness and disappointment) for a few days. But today, I found a glimmer of hope. I uncovered another, more powerful truth. (And, knock on wood or thank Jesus or whatever, my cold seems to have hit the road.)

My truth is this- I believe that the biggest reason I am unhappy in this job is that I am not expressing my authentic self. I do not feel that I am fulfilling my purpose through this job.

Now, I can just about guarantee you that if you were to step into my classroom on any given day, you would not see that. You would see a colorful, inviting classroom full of learning in the most creative ways. You would see children hard at work on projects that you wouldn't imagine kindergarteners could accomplish. You would see what is, in many other people's opinions, a wonderful learning environment. And those things are all true.

If you were to look through my teacher evaluation forms, you would see that I have scored 100% superior marks since I began teaching. You would see comments like "excellent classroom management skills." Since starting back in 2005, I have became known as the teacher with the best classroom management strategies on the block.

Thing is, it doesn't feel that way. The kids are doing what is asked of them, but at what cost? They know how to line up, behave at the water fountain, sit at a group meeting, raise their hands to speak, use inside voices (okay, sometimes), turn in finished work, and respect adults. Those things are important, sure. But I am wondering now about the bigger stuff. Are their spirits being nurtured? Are they learning real life skills? Am I teaching them to be more conscious, more open, more loving? I don't think so.

I want my students to freely express themselves in loving ways, find the good in themselves and another, work together to solve problems. I want them to learn that what they focus on expands. I want them to learn (or remember) to trust themselves.

So the questions I am facing now are these: how do I run such a classroom? What are the tools that I need? Who will support me in this? How do I teach these things in addition to what is required by the district? How do I keep myself in the state of mind that is necessary to maintain this type of environment? The big one- how can I let go of the things that don't matter, but I want so badly to control?

Like a child wishing on a star, tonight I am sending these questions out into the Universe. Tomorrow, I will walk in the door of the school to twenty-two hugs. And I will pray to whoever is listening that I might, in some small way, bring those children the gifts they are so worthy of receiving.

Good night, all.

Q&A

Totally stole the idea from Kate...

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? An undying trust in the goodness of the Universe, unconditional love for myself and all others, being surrounded by the great people in my life, lots of laughter.

2. What is your greatest fear? (My answer is the same as Kate’s) Being abandoned or rejected by the people I love.

3. Which living person do you most admire? Elie Wiesel

4. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I tend to be forgiving with others but judgmental of myself.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Being inauthentic.

6. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Selflessness

7. On what occasion do you lie? To please another.

8. What do you dislike most about your appearance? My weight.

9. What is your greatest regret? Happily, there are none. I am truly beginning to see that even “problems” came bearing gifts.

10. What or who is the greatest love of your life? The life experience itself.

11. Which talent would you most like to have? I would like to be a great peacemaker.

12. What is your current state of mind? I’m sick, but at the moment, I’m kinda having the pain without the suffering. It’s a nice change.

13. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I am often swayed by my ego instead of just trusting my intuition.

14. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Having searched for, and ultimately, creating my own truths.

15. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? I really liked Kate’s answer- a well-loved cat. Oh, the delicious laziness!

16. What is your most treasured possession? I love my photographs, especially those of my Papaw Berryhill or the childhood photos with my sister and brother. Such beautiful innocence!

17. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? A feeling of hopelessness

18. Where would you like to live? Oklahoma has turned out to be a wonderful place, full of the best people I’ve ever met. I do want to get out of town and make my home in the country.

19. What is your most marked characteristic? My dedication to my growth.

20. Who are your favorite writers? Oh boy, Neale Donald Walsh (who I think is incredibly brave), Gary Zukav (a true peacemaker), Marianne Williamson (if I can be half the woman she is…), Louise Hay (she gets it!), Richard Bach (Illusions taught me to be open to the magic in life), Martha Beck (spiritual, wise, and hysterically funny), Mitch Albom (when I need a good, soul-cleansing cry), the list goes on…

21. Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Huge fan of Junie B. Jones. ;-)

22. Who are your heroes in real life? My best friend, Tara. She is authentic, full of love and laughter and joy. I am so, so glad that she chose me to be the girl with whom she shares her journey. It is an amazing one.

23. What is it that you most dislike? Besides mayonnaise? Closedmindedness.

24. What is your motto? The above quote by Anais Nin

25. Favorite Journey? Hiking and snowmobiling in Utah and Montana with my Dad.

26. What do you value most in your friends? They really put themselves out there, they are unafraid of what others think, and they are not afraid to speak their truth to anyone. These people do not hold back, and I adore that.

27. Which words or phrases do you must overuse? “I should…”

28. Which historical figure do you most identify with? There isn’t one that comes to mind.

29. What is your greatest extravagance? Massages

30. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? I loved Kate’s answer, and I couldn’t have said it better- “I'd wave a magic wand and make it so that we could communicate with each other honestly without hurtful words or drama.”

31. What is your favorite occupation? On a really good day, teaching. I do see myself growing into something more, possibly sooner rather than later.

32. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Awareness

33. What is the quality you most like in a man? Awareness

34. How would you like to die? Peacefully, please, and with Papaw being the first to greet me.

Overachiever, Act One

Being sick screws up my system. My system being this- I do not clean house during the week. I mean, I really don't. At. All. The bed doesn't get made, the floors aren't vacuumed, in fact, I find myself unconcerned with whether or not the laundry makes it into the basket. Cleaning my classroom every day is enough work, I say. Then, on the weekend, I find it unbearable to spend extended amounts of time amidst the mess. So Saturday mornings, er, afternoons, are spent doing the laundry, sorting it into baskets (I'm too afraid to venture into my closet these days), changing the sheets (the one time each week the bed will be made), organizing the clutter, scrubbing the toilet, you get the picture.

The system works. Unless I get sick. Today, I am congested and achy and whiny and all around feeling blah. I know I should be resting and drinking ridiculous amounts of water and soaking in the tub and then resting some more. However, The Mess is screwing with my mind. I cannot stop thinking about The Mess. So, I confess, I am close to giving up the getting-better-stuff for the don't-let-the-dirty-laundry-institutionalize-you-stuff. The part of me that knows I need an effing break is trying to reach a compromise with the part of me whose brain will explode if I don't throw away the pile of snotty tissues.

I'm trying. Put in a load of laundry, veg in front of the TV with orange juice. Organize the clutter, lay in bed surfing my favorite blogs. Oh, crap. Today is the day I have to make the Amish bread. That means a trip to the grocery store. Oh, and I need detergent. And shampoo and soap and tampons and a new toothbrush. Hey, I think I have a coupon for crescent rolls. Those would be good with that new chicken dish I've been wanting to try. Hmm, maybe I'll make dinner for me and the roommate.

I really suck at being sick.