Grouchy is only fun for so long.

"A bird makes me grouchy." Kindergarten, 2007

The picture above is from a journal entry by a kindergartener I had in class last year. Apparently the bird outside his window woke him up every morning with it's incessant screeching. As soon as I saw this, I laughed and said, "I feel ya, kid." My own experiences with a psychopathic woodpecker last fall had me feeling grouchy as well. Actually, homicidal might be a better word.

I spent the first two weeks of school in a grouchy mood. (Isn't grouchy a funny word? It doesn't seem to really capture the feeling, does it?) Like I mentioned in a previous post, I did a lot of complaining. Mostly I just felt overwhelmed. I'm paying more in rent and bills now, so spending money has been in short supply. (Though, I did some calculating today and I actually have more money in my account than I first thought...Woohoo!...Amazing the changes that come when I give up my attachment to the negative.) I considered taking a part-time job, but I decided that my well-being meant more to me than a few extra dollars.

I don't feel free to discuss my job in much detail here, but the first two weeks were exhausting. I have never been so challenged in my life, and it left me feeling incompetent and hopeless. When I finally decided to stop resisting, the changes were immediate. Literally in one day, the children went from being insane to well-behaved and cooperative. I have had three classroom mothers that have helped so much (one of them actually asked me to let her vacuum my room every day. I kid you not.). These women are cleaning, cutting, gluing, decorating, copying, you name it. I have actually run out of things for them to do! And the kids are doing exactly what I had wanted for them- learning and having fun.

My annoying sinus infection is finally gone. (Never, ever let me be ungrateful for the ability to breathe through my nose again. If I am complaining about something, remind me how freakin' amazing it is to be able to effing BREATHE! Seriously...)

I also got in some Tara and Bob time, which is certainly equivalent to hours of therapy. Laying in bed with your best friend (albeit hungover) watching Super Troopers can do wonders for the soul. Also laying around on the couch pointing out hilarious newspaper articles. Do you notice a theme of laziness? It's bliss, I tell ya.

Thank you, Universe, for a happy classroom, breathing through my nostrils, e-mails from my sister, laughing hysterically with close friends, unexpected help, money in the bank, and lots of hugs.

And more on this later, but I have felt monumental clarity in determining what I really want in this life. Yay for new goals!

Silence

I am sick for the first time in over eight months. This doesn't surprise me. I've done a LOT of complaining in the past week. Way more than my share. So what did the Universe do? Took my voice. I kid you not. I cannot speak at all, and I have spent the day in complete silence.

Which, by the way, isn't the worse thing in the world. I cooked dinner for the first time in weeks. Listened to Van Morrison. (I cannot be in a bad mood listening to Into the Mystic). Wrote a real letter (the first one in years) to Bob. Ate Breyer's Cookies and Cream while watching a Lifetime movie. Great idea, if you're in a slump. Your life isn't really that bad until it's used for a made-for-TV movie.

More later, when the medication-induced haze has passed. Love to all!

Is it August already?

This has been the first time I've had a summer off since I was fourteen. I have always had a summer job. The last one was killer- I baby-sat triplets for ten hours a day. I don't think I can really express in words how exhausting that was, but just know that I seriously researched getting my tubes tied. Tara said it best- "If I had triplets, I'd give two away. No, make that three."

In Richard Bach's book, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, he says that have come here for two experiences- learning and having fun. This summer has been full of both. It has been great to be free from the busyness and noise of my classroom. The quiet has allowed me to settle into myself, ask some big questions, and most of all, really feel my feelings free of distractions. A lot of learning has happened in a short time, and the seeds are planted for future growth. There has also been a lot of fun- yoga, massages, lunches with friends, trips to the Wichita Mountains with Bob, and of course, snow cones. :-)

Now that summer is winding down, I am preparing for the new school year. I have new hopes and dreams for this class. I hope to express more of my authentic self through my work, and I hope to do more to nurture my students' spirits. I want there to be less rules and more opportunities, less punishment and more logical consequences, less conflict and a lot more laughter.

Speaking of laughter, I will leave you with a funny kindergarten story from last year. My students and I were having our morning meeting while my principal observed. We were reviewing concepts about the calendar, and I was intentionally making mistakes so that they would correct me.

Me: Today is Thursday, so tomorrow must be Sunday...
Students (giggling): NO! FRIDAY!
Me: Oh, yeah, right. The month is...February.
Students (rolling their eyes): NO! IT'S MARCH!
Me: Silly me, you must be right. Today is the 3rd, so tomorrow will be the 2nd.
J, one of my students, turns to the principal, and with a serious look on his face, says "I don't know what she would do if we weren't here."

You know what? Neither do I.