Yep, that's me

what color are you? sky blue

what tune are you? tupelo honey by van morrison

what shape are you? is round a shape?

what image are you? anything depicting laughter

what noun are you? woman

what verb are you? seeking

what adjective are you? empowered

what animal are you? butterfly

what superpower are you? the power of attraction (and that ain't always a good thing, folks)

what season are you? fall

what food are you? peanut butter, and i have no idea why

The Morning After

Last night was horrible and wonderful and sad and happy. Let me explain.

When D texted me about the proposal, my heart sank. It hurt. I knew that moment would come, and I thought I had come so far in my healing that it wouldn't matter, but it did.

I find it interesting (and usually frustrating) that just when I think something has been completely healed in my life, it comes back. I am learning that we don't heal things in our life all at once but rather in pieces. It is a process that takes time and attention. Each time the hurt returns, I heal another piece. With that healing comes relief and appreciation, then, when I'm ready, it resurfaces. I heal again.

It is hard to talk about this here. I know that this will be read by people whose opinions matter to me. It is embarrassing that after more than two years (how long is too long?), I can still feel the pain of my breakup with D. It is embarrassing that I wrote here about the wonderful healing that occured in my life surrounding D, then I seem to be right back where I started. The truth is this. I have healed. I have come a long way. Most of the time, I am able to see the bigger picture and love him from a distance and appreciate the role he played in my life. Then there are the times, like last night, when I fall apart for a while. That's it. That's my truth.

After having noticed so many of my friends getting married and talking about "finding Mr. Right," I asked myself, if I'm not looking for Mr. Right, what am I seeking? I'm happy now, yes, but what is my goal, if it isn't finding a man? I knew the answer immediately. I want to become the highest vision I have for myself. I know that involves a lot of messy growth and honesty (even when it's uncomfortable). I also know that I'm finally ready for that.

So last week I voiced that wish to the Universe, or God, or Life. Again, it's all the same to me nowadays. That night, I had a dream in which D told me he was getting married. (Yep, it hurt in the dream too.) That was my first clue that something was still unsettled. Then, less than a week later, the news came. Now I know it sucked, but it is really hard for me to get too upset about it knowing that it came so soon after I put my desire out there. Something deep within tells me that this experience is part of the growth I need in order to become who I want to be.

The text prompted me to have a conversation with Bob. I needed to vent and get pissed and be sad, and God love him, Bob was there to listen and offer his wisdom...again. I was really grateful for his honesty and kindness, both of which I needed desperately in that moment. What was supposed to be a bitching session turned out to be, hands-down, the most honest conversation I've ever had.

After our conversation, I went to bed. I let myself be alone in the quiet and really feel my response to D's news. All of the hurt that I felt when he walked out came rushing back all at once. It was as terrible as I'd remembered it. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my entire body felt tense. I knew I could call Bob, or Tara, or Erol, but I just laid there feeling, for a moment, like the world was crashing down around me again. Then I remembered that the Universe actually does care (contrary to what I grew up believing), and I said, simply, "Please take this from me."

I don't know what I expected, but in that moment, it all stopped. All of the pain left my body in a rush, and I felt a little out of breath. I can't describe what I felt. It was an overwhelming feeling of peace and love. I suddenly had an awareness that everything is perfect, just as it is.

I am also grateful for Bob, for Tara, for Erol. Those three are friends when it really counts. Back when D left, the pain was so intense that I seriously considered dying. I had thoughts like, "in three months, if the pain hasn't dulled, I could give up"...The most unexpected thing always stopped me. I imagined Tara, sometime in the future, having a really horrible day. I saw her on the floor, crying. Now I know that if I wasn't here, Tara would obviously find another dear friend. But I cannot imagine not being there for her when she needed me. It just wouldn't be right, I tell you!

So I am truly grateful that I have am able to share my life with some of the best souls around, friends who are there when I need them. I hope to always be the same for them.

I knew this moment would come...

Okay, when something "bad" happens, I usually wait until the ick has passed and I have a better perspective on it before I write about it here. Right now that feels really dishonest to me. It feels like I am telling the world that I have it all together and that I have the ability to always see the silver lining.

Not. So.

D (THE EX) just texted me to tell me that he proposed to his girlfriend.

I am not feeling particularly happy or insightful or loving or aware.

I know, I know. Really I do. I'm just not feeling it yet.

The Good Stuff

Puppy love! Sadie, June 2007

A long list of things I absolutely, positively love...

hot tubs, candlelit baths, reading about creating our own reality, my kindergarten students, soft spa bathrobes, Dove chocolate, gerbera daisies, hippos, nature trails, 11:11, soul chats, four-wheeling, a dark tan, yummy candles, Felix the cat, mindfulness, naps in the afternoon sun, laughter, snuggling, black and white photos, travel, a baby's laughter, baking, planting seeds, writing, snow days, whispers, snowflakes at night, driving down country roads, the pier in Bay Saint Louis, fields of poppies, morning mountain air, Clinique facial moisturizer, paying off bills, deep sleep, board games, Lion Oil signs that remind me of my Papaw, sweet tea, Love Spell perfume, s'mores by the fire, inspiration, airplanes, comfy jeans, forgiveness, swings, snowmobiling, feather beds, fall leaves, hot stone massages, poetry by Rumi, fortune cookies, old-fashioned Main Streets, saxophone music in the French Quarter, small bookstores, snow cones, four-wheeling on a sunny day, wading in a creek, string lights, wrap-around porches, teaching a child to read, silly rain boots, stained glass, drive-in movies, trying new recipes, Snoopy, synchronicity, fun teacher workshops, O magazine, the Bookmobile, hot showers, winks, Grey's Anatomy, museums, Godwinks, rural hospitality, dramatic sunsets, listening to a great storyteller, Wichita Mountains, stand-up comedy, old photos, Dove ads, conversation hearts, organizing the fridge, french vanilla lip gloss, family recipes, four-day workweeks, psychics, reconciliation, finding the perfect card, Hawaiian pizza, my cute neighbor Lola and her flowers, breakfast for dinner, yoga, accepting my body, an unfolding romance, goofy glasses, aligning my personality with my soul, Sadie the puppy, Pier One, whitewater rafting, seeing God in another, movie theater popcorn, dance recitals, playing the piano, kites, the smell of library books, towels fresh from the dryer, sleeping in on a rainy day, long chats with old friends, Planet Earth, fingerpainting, a flattering photograph, red phone booths, thank-you notes, views from a mountaintop, a new container of play dough, meditating, camping trips, making myself laugh, TiVo, dream dictionaries, Ted's Cafe Escondido, awareness, watching Polariod pictures develop, old cartoons, honeysuckle, loving someone unconditionally, finding my best friend at age 20, What the Bleep Do We Know?, scavenger hunts, donating to a cause I believe in, road trips, root beer bottles, fire nights, pedicures, picnics, goofy band-aids, great quotes, the smell of freshly cut grass, hammocks, you.

Should I?

I sent out an e-mail to my sister recently, and she replied with some sisterly advice. Once a big sister, always a big sister. ;-) She told me that I say "I should" far too much. She told me to stop "shoulding" myself. I just like the way that sounds. Shoulding. Hehe.

Okay, but seriously, she is so right! If you could, god forbid, be inside my head for a day, you would likely hear...

I should wash my car. I should go to bed earlier. I should wake up earlier. I should drink more water. I should take a vitamin. I should put away my laundry. I should do the dishes. I should go work on my classroom. I should vacuum. I should do my hair differently. I should eat a salad instead. I should go to the gym. Blah, blah, blah.

You would not hear, I should laugh more. I should enjoy the damn bowl of ice cream without the side of guilt. I should grab a fishing pole and head to the lake. I should give myself a break for once!

I have been having some strange dreams lately- one involving a moose in my recliner smoking a cigarette- and no, I haven't taken up the crack pipe. But one of my dreams might have actually meant something, and it keeps coming back to me when I start to make a to-do list in my head. I dreamed that there were two of me- the me that exists now, and the me that exists in the future (the me I hope to become). The future me handed me a red slip of paper, and on it were the words, "I give you permission to take a break. You are free to do whatever feels good simply because you can." I remember feeling immense relief.

So guess what, folks? It's break time. I am officially taking a break from being the manager of every detail of my life and handing over the reigns to the Universe. In the meantime, I will be surrounding myself with friends (Tara time, a must! More Bob time, asap! Erol, Allison, let's just do it!), planting flowers (thanks, Mom!), eating snow cones, and renting funny movies. And Tren, thank you. I see in you many things I hope to become.

The Answer

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

God, I LOVE that quote.

Things haven't been so great lately, and yes, I take responsibility for that. Isn't it strange how sometimes we know exactly what we need to get to a better place, but we stay put anyway? Sometimes the comfort of the familiar, no matter how unpleasant, seems more enticing than creating something new, something better.

A lot of ick lately- financial trouble, chaotic relationships, unhealthy living. Then of course, the physical results of that- tension headaches and a terrible bout of PMS.

Where do I start? Well, let's see. This body love stuff sure has been a rollercoaster ride. Geez Louise! When I made the conscious decision to start loving my body, I guess I thought it would be easy, that some fairy godmother would come sprinkle some glittery dust on me and I'd suddenly be madly in love with my body, flaws and all. Ha. What happened was, I slowly started to feel kinda neutral about it. I stopped avoiding mirrors (come on, you women know what I'm talking about). I spent more time just looking at myself in the mirror, and after a while, my inner commentary went from "My god, I have to lose weight. I look pregnant in this" to "Hmm...that's me. Yep, all me. Huh."

After a while, that lack of judgement gave way to appreciation. I started to actually (gasp!) like what I saw looking back at me in the mirror. Okay, maybe not all of it. But I started to appreciate the little things that make up the physical me. And it felt really, really good. I started to eat healthier and do yoga, not as a way to change my body, but as a way to appreciate it. Life was good.

And then, the pendulum took a swing back in the other direction, and it felt like I was right back where I started. Don't ya just hate it when that happens? I'm not exactly sure what triggered it- my roommate talking about her latest diet plan (she doesn't need to diet- trust me on this), the number on the scale going UP instead of down (cue freak-out), or PMS. It. Has. SUCKED.

You know, I need to take back my "chaotic relationships" comment. It isn't that my relationships have been chaotic, but my thoughts about them sure have been. It isn't like me anymore to worry more about what the other person is thinking, but that has been the case the past few days. I do not like that, not one bit. I need to work on saying yes to the things I really want, no to everything else, and let the rest go. I know, easier said than done, right? I'll keep you posted on how it goes. ;-)

There are a couple of relationships (an ex-boyfriend and an old friend) that have been on my mind lately. I really do not like leaving things unsaid. I don't like feeling as if there is negative energy between myself and another. I thought about contacting them and apologizing for my part in the rifts between us, but it never felt right. After much thought, I decided that these two truly aren't people I want in my life, and they are gone for a reason. Yes, I admit that I played a part in our separation, but I really do feel it was for the best.

As I was thinking about them, I was absentmindedly going through old e-mails. I found a message from someone special that really jumped out at me. He said, "Some people you have to love from a distance. Sometimes people we love will not be able to reciprocate this side of heaven." Isn't that a wonderful way to look at it? It reminds me that even though we may be physically separated, we can still love one another. And our souls never, ever forget the innocence of one other, and one day we'll be reminded of that.

I don't always know what to do. Sometimes life is really easy, and sometimes it is just freakin' hard. Right now it's the latter. But you people, my friends and family, are keeping me going, bringing out my smile, and most of all, helping me live my way into the answer. I absolutely love you!

Amen!

You must do your own indepedent investigation of truth.
Baha'i teachings

My sister sent this in an e-mail today, and I thought it was worth sharing. It touched me deeply because I grew up in the Baptist faith, and I had the very same thoughts when I began questioning my beliefs. I applaud Mr. Pearson for following his heart on this one.

(From abcnews.com) Recent years have provided plenty of church scandals, but an unlikely one has occurred in the Bible belt. A prominent Tulsa, Okla., minister was scandalized not by sex or embezzlement, but by his belief in hell.

When Carlton Pearson began wondering if modern believers still need a medieval pit of fire, it cost him his congregation.

He shared pulpits with Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. He counseled presidents at the White House. And after the Oklahoma City bombing, he was called to lead the grieving in prayer.
Throughout his rise, Pearson preached the fundamentals: Everyone is born a sinner. Everyone is going to hell, unless they accept Jesus Christ as Lord.

"Thank God I don't have to go to hell even though I deserve hell," Pearson preached. "But Jesus vicariously substituted for me -- took on death, hell and the grave -- and I have victory today."
But through the years, as he as he studied the ancient Greek and Hebrew scriptures, Pearson developed a crisis of faith.

"I couldn't reconcile a God whose mercy endures forever and this torture chamber that's customized for unbelievers," he said. "You can't be happy. And how can you really love a god who's torturing your grandmother?"

The more he studied, the more he saw the Bible not as the literal word of God, but a book by men about God, with primitive men prone to mistranslations, political agendas and human emotions.

And one night, as he watched ABC News' Peter Jennings report on the parade of suffering in Rwanda, he had a revelation. He questioned how a God who calls himself loving could let people suffer so badly and then suck them into Hell.

"That's when I thought I heard an inner voice say, 'Is that what you think we're doing?'" he said.
Pearson believed God was telling him there was Hell on earth. "The bitter torment of the idea of an angry, visceral, distant, stoic, harsh, unrelenting, unforgiving, intolerant God is Hell," he said. "It's pagan. It's superstitious. And if you trace its history, it goes way back to where men feared the gods because something happened in life that caused frustration."

Pearson said people who believe in Hell create it for themselves and others. "People who believe in devils and demons become that in consciousness and they act it out," he added.

The Single Life

It seems lately that all of my friends are married and having children. I guess I expected this to come a little later, maybe in my thirties, but I'm looking around and I seem to be one of the few single gals left. In fact, on my last date, the guy commented on how rare it was to see a 25 year-old woman without children. Rare? Really?

I have really mixed feelings about this. Catch me around the first of the month, and you'll find a hormonal woman holding a carton of Ben and Jerry's watching A Baby Story, wanting a family like a little girl wants a pony for her birthday. Please, God, PLEEEEASE!

I cannot even begin to describe the frustration I have been feeling about my dating life. In a conversation with Bob last night, I swore up and down that I am through with dating. Bring on more friendships, bring on more sex, but heaven help me, I'd rather eat mayonnaise than go on another date.

My latest date was yet another disaster in a long dating history that I have long planned on eventually compiling into a book titled "Why I Considered Life in a Nunnery." I almost feel an obligation to society to write it, to let women know that while their dating lives may be screwed up, there is a woman out there who has been through worse. That lucky woman is me.

I'll save the gory details for my best-selling book, but here are a few characters you can expect to meet...

• The charming, sexy "bad boy" who, on his way to my house for a date, got arrested for his third, yes, third DUI and went on to spend an extended vacation in prison.
• The preacher-to-be who, despite his devilish good looks, wanted to make me into a preacher's wife. Cue laughter from anyone who knows me.
• The man who brought me ice cream in bed, made me laugh and even won the approval of my friends, only to end up marrying a Colombian woman so she could become a U.S. citizen. Favorite quote? "I don't want to get in her pants; I want her to wash my pants."
• The momma's boy who started out as enjoyable company, then wouldn't unwrap himself from me long enough for me to go to the bathroom alone. I asked him to stop calling; he left jewelry in my mailbox. Cut to me changing my phone number.
• The foreign computer guy who, after I informed him I wasn't interested in a relationship, set up camp on my back steps with the hope that I would have to leave my house at some point. (I snuck out the front door to a friend's house, set up surveillance and hid out until he left, HOURS later.)
• D (a.k.a. THE EX), the guy who I loved more than anyone else before him, who ended a long relationship with the words, "There's got to be someone better out there for me than you." Ouch.
• The police officer who, on our first date took me to Chick-Fil-A and had the balls to ask, "You're getting the drinks, right?"
• The latest, a good-looking, self-employed, late 30s bachelor who lacks the ability to carry on a conversation. I told him not to call again; he went totally effing postal.

These are just a select few of the delightful cast of characters that make up my life history. Oh, did I forget to mention Chainsaw Charlie? Buy the book...

Okay, seriously, they haven't all been so crazy. There have been a select few who have made my life better just by being in it, even if it was only for a short time. There are the male friends (Bob, Erol) who give me faith that there are good men left in the world. Men without criminal records, mental disorders, secret wives.

Growing up, and even in my very early days of dating, I assumed that at the age of 25, I'd be married, possibly with children. I can't help but compare my life today to the lives of friends my age who are living that life. I certainly see the appeal- security, companionship, family. It actually surprises me sometimes to see some of my childhood friends with their husbands and children. I always thought that I would be one of the first to do that. You see, in Mississippi, it was just part of the plan for young girls. Graduate high school, get married, possibly go to college, have babies, stay home and raise your children. I'm not judging that (after staying at home with my sister's children one summer, I realized that moms have the hardest job on the planet). In fact, I almost chose that life- I was engaged at eighteen, but a little voice inside of me kept getting louder as our wedding day inched closer. That little voice won, and I walked away from the man I loved toward an uncertain future. I still remember that day, driving away from him, scared to death and yet feeling an overwhelming, exciting sense of freedom. I didn't know what was to come, but I was sure it was going to be good.

That was seven years ago, and I was absolutely right. It has been damn good. In seven years, I've met amazing people, graduated college, snagged the job of my childhood dreams, healed relationships with my family, fallen in love (twice), survived a broken heart, partied in New Orleans and Vegas, discovered God (quite different from the one religion told me about), and best of all, gotten to know me. Every day I uncover more to love about myself. In past relationships, I tended to focus more on the other person- what they were doing, what they believed in, what they needed. Now I am able to focus on me.

I have become self-centered (which is exactly the opposite of selfish, in my opinion). If I want flowers, I buy myself flowers. If I want a nice dinner, I cook for myself. If I need quiet time, I pour myself a bubble bath and light some candles. If I want adventure, deep conversation, a night out on the town, or just companionship, I call up one of my amazing friends.

I love the life I have chosen. That's not to say I don't want to share it with someone- I think romantic relationships can be one of the greatest joys in life. It's just that I'm not willing to settle. If someone is going to be a part of my life, they have to somehow bring even more joy into it. I don't need someone to complete me- I feel more complete as a single woman today than I ever did in a relationship.

I don't even feel like I'm looking for "The One" anymore. I used to believe that there was one person out there for everyone. Now I believe that whoever you are with is the right person for you at the time. I truly believe that someone great could walk into my life tomorrow, we could fall in love and grow together, and then it could end without heartache, when we've completed the work we were here to do together. I don't think that I could promise anyone my devotion for eternity. We have great things to do together- heal and grow and create, but when that is done, can't we part ways without struggle? Isn't that the most loving thing to do, to wish for the other's best even when it doesn't involve me? Can't we move on to the next great thing for ourselves? I think it's possible, and I'm not settling for anything less.

As for the question of whether or not I'll have children, I've decided that yes, I want to be a mother. Someday, but not today. I am 25 years old, and I have many things I want to do and be before I am ready to commit my life to raising another human being.

So for now, let it be known that after my last date from hell, I am off the dating scene. If anyone asks what I'm up to, here's the answer. I am living the most honest version of myself. I am growing every day. I am in love with many. I am on a spiritual journey toward the highest expression of the greatest vision I've ever had for myself. If romantic love should come, I'll welcome it with an open heart. In the meantime, I'm thrilled to be right here, living my version of life, loving me.

D and Me

The reason I haven’t written anything about THE EX yet isn’t because I didn’t want to share that with you. It’s because that has been the furthest thing from my mind lately. This is what letting go feels like.

First of all, I don’t think that it is necessary anymore to call him THE EX. However, out of respect for his privacy, I’m going to call him D. Now, those of you who know me know that I have dated a lot of D’s in this lifetime, but I’m sure we’re all clear on which D I’m talking about. The one who ripped my heart out and with it took my will to live? Okay, we’re on the same page. (I am joking. Sorta.)

Okay, last time I wrote, D still hadn’t called, and I was okay with that. I had done my part, and my emotional baggage was getting lighter. Of course, as it goes with life, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses and laughter. One day, I was having a particularly rough time, most likely brought on by PMS. I was driving home from the gym, trying to see the road through an unexpected onslaught of tears. That’s when I had an aha! moment (thanks, Oprah, for the term).

I’m going to have to backtrack a bit, but please follow along. Have you seen Discovery Channels’ new series Planet Earth? (Yes, it’s related…stick with me.) Well, I had been watching it for a few weeks. It’s awe-inspiring. I felt so drawn to this show because it demonstrates what a perfect universe we live in. It is amazing how many conditions have to be just right in order for the thousands of species of plants and animals that share this planet to survive. And yet they do. Every day in this world, billions of miracles are happening. And all of it happens without force, without an agenda, without anxiety and worry and planning and fear.

So I was driving home, crying, when I realized that behind all of those miracles there is a force making them happen. Someone, or something, causes flowers to grow and babies to be born. GOD! That’s who/what God is for me. Not some judgmental, angry male figure in the sky. God didn’t just create the Universe, God is the Universe. Driving home that night, I told God (or Life, or the Universe, or All That Is, whatever you want to call it) something I might have said before but never really meant- I trust you. I trust the power that created and sustains all of this perfection with my life. I told God “I give up. I’m through trying to make things work in my life. I trust you. Take it.” And I’m pretty sure that the answer I got was, “It’s about time.”

At that exact moment, my cell phone rang. I knew who it was before I even looked at the number. After months of waiting, here was the phone call I had lost sleep over. What happened next was absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of doubt, the work of something higher. D and I had a real conversation. We both marveled at hearing the sound of one another’s voices after years of silence. We shared our favorite memories of each other. We laughed so hard our sides hurt.

I had imagined that conversation countless times before, the conversation that would reconnect us after a long absence. I worried about being overwhelmed with feelings for him. I worried that I would miss him so much it would kill me. I worried that we’d be angry, or hurt, or at best, awkward. Thankfully, it wasn’t up to me this time.

I was surprised at how easy it was to be honest with him. I told him how much I had loved him, how I thought my life would end when he walked away. I told him how what I thought was the end of the world for me was really just the beginning. He told me that he had his own heart broken a few months after leaving me. The conversation that I had dreaded for months turned out to be one of the best conversations of my life. When we hung up the phone, I felt happier than I had in a long, long time.

A couple of weeks later, he called again. This time, to admit to me that he’d found someone. Her name was Lindsay too, and she even spelled it the same way! Wasn’t that funny? Well, I certainly didn’t see the humor in it. I always knew that it would be hard to hear the news that he’d found someone new. And it was, for a few moments. I listened to D for a long time that day. In my silence, I realized that I truly was happy for him. Even better, I was happy for myself.

Today, I am more in love than I ever was in that relationship. I love Life, my friends, my family, the world, even myself. And if it took D leaving to bring me to this experience, then I only have two words left to say to him. Thank you.