Ready or not...

Come to the edge, He said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, He said.
They came. He pushed them,
And they flew...
Guillaume Apollinaire

If I could share only one thing I've learned, it would be this- don't wait until you are ready. I have spent a lot of time waiting. I was waiting until I had a certain amount of money, fit into a particular size, put in x amount of time at work, etc. I didn't know what being ready truly looked like, but I was sure I wasn't there yet. I finally realized that I may never feel ready.

Words cannot describe how great it feels to just do it despite the fear. I have done awesome things in the past few months- healed relationships, created financial abundance, accepted my body, created this website, and experienced better health. I did it all because I decided to stop waiting to feel ready. I was afraid and intimidated at times, but I trusted myself and just went for it.

Yesterday I was all set to write a post titled "Waiting." I wanted to tell you all about the things that are "up in the air." I don't know where I'm going to live. I don't know if I'm going to live alone or with a roommate. I don't know if THE EX is going to call or what I'll feel if he does. I don't know if a new situation is going to keep a friendship from blossoming again. I don't know if I want to continue working at the same school without an assistant. I don't know if this new way of eating is going to be successful.

I couldn't think of the words to capture what I was feeling, so I did an internet search for quotes about waiting. The first quote that appeared was this- "Why wait when you can create?"

Gulp. Oh yeah, now I remember. We don't wait for life to happen to us, we create it ourselves. Well, that's it. I'm through with the waiting game. I am setting the intentions for the way I want my life to unfold. I want healing and peace in my relationships, new and old. I want my friendship to empower myself and the other. I want to work in a classroom with an assistant so that I can do all the great things I have planned for my students. I want my new way of eating to create a healthier, happier body and mind. I want to share a beautiful home with someone I enjoy (oh, and I'd like a better showerhead than the craptastic one I have now).

I trust that the Universe will show me the steps I need to take to make all of this happen. It's up to me to take those steps, whether I feel ready or not. I'm done waiting.

Shift Happens

Sometimes the slightest shift in the way you look at things, a seemingly insignificant change in perspective, can alter your life forever.
Author Unknown

Things are shifting in a big way. Lately I've been challenging myself to "sit with" all of the negative emotions I feel (rather than use up my energy repressing them) as well as recognizing and celebrating the good things in my life. Life responded- there have been plenty of opportunites for both.

First icky thing- I have to move. MOVE. Damnit! Oh, how I hate the thought of moving. Finding boxes, packing and labeling and unpacking, weeding through junk, taking apart, putting back together, losing things. Sigh.

Why, why, why? I live in a perfectly perfect house right now. I love this house. I love the wood floors and my bright blue bedroom and the washer and dryer and dishwasher and the game room and my own garage (which I rarely use, but still!) and the built-in bar that comes in so handy after a long evening of parent/teacher conferences. I love spending time with my two amazing roommates- watching the Bachelor (I know, I know) and baking enough cookies to feed an army and Margarita Mondays and quoting Dumb and Dumber and collapsing on each others' beds at the end of the day and watching 36 episodes of Grey's Anatomy (in one week, mind you).

How can my new place be better than this? Can I afford a place on my own? Do I want another roommate? What if I end up living with someone who sacrifices kittens, or worse, stocks the fridge with...(gasp) mayonnaise? Okay, I'm being a little dramatic (who, me?), but seriously! It is a huge deal to leave something I love for the unknown.

Okay, enough about that. The ex did write back. Since we split up, I had this fear about hearing back from him. I was terrified of what he would say. Well, it happened, and I didn't fall apart. With all that time wasted worrying, I could gotten my Master's degree, written a book, learned to knit, built the world's largest marshmallow igloo. I want those months back! Anway, the day after my last post I was watching Planet Earth with my roomies, absentmindedly surfing the net on my cell phone, when a new e-mail appeared with his name in the subject line. My heart did a flip-flop, and for a brief moment I thought, "What have I done?" But that passed, and the message was, well, nice. It was brief, a quick update on his life and career. He ended by saying that he thought of me often and cherished the time we spent together. He also said that he'd call the next week, which he didn't. And...drumroll please...that was okay! In fact, it was more than okay. I realized that, while I'd certainly enjoy hearing from him, I didn't need anything else. I had grieved, gotten angry, missed him, forgave him, and then I had spoken my truth. And that was enough. I created my peace.

In the midst of all of this, I reconnected with an old friend. This friend is a special one, the one I credit with giving me back to myself. When I met him, my life was all about the external, and I wouldn't have known my soul if it showed up at my front door with a casserole. My time with this gentle man woke me up, and my life became about Who I Really Am. We ran into each other that night at a bar, of all places, after a few rounds of tequila on my part. Despite the fog, it was so nice just to be with him, years after our first meeting, with no needs or expectations or jealousy. Today, as I write this, there is a hope that we'll do what it takes to nurture this friendship again.

Of course, I can't write about the shifts without mentioning my job. There are only about five weeks left before the school year is out. (Summer! Sleeping in! Snow-cones!) It's still the best job on the planet- lots of learning (theirs and mine) combined with generous doses of silliness. This is the time of year when I let go of their little hands, then stand back and watch them in awe. I wish you could all know them. They are amazing, innocent, independent, funny little people. God, I love them!

I feel the need to point out that while it is all of those things, it is also stressful and tiring. I work in a public school, and funding is tight now. This is the busiest time of year- report cards, parent/teacher conferences, parties, field trips, standardized testing, preparing for kindergarten graduation. I have too many students and not enough space.

I got another new student, a foster child, a couple of weeks ago. It was unexpected, and I was already overwhelmed when he showed up. A few days later, I felt myself getting worked up about the teacher/student ratio when we had this conversation:

Him: "I get to see my mommy tomorrow!"
Me: "That is great! Are you excited?"
Him: "I can't wait! But...do you think she really wants to see me?"

And that was it. That brought me back to what matters. I told him that of course, she would be excited to see him, because after all I saw him every day and I was always excited to see him. It reminded me that sometimes we are given more than we think we can handle, but we can't always see the positive impact we can have on the world if we just do it anway. My classroom may not be big enough, but my heart certainly is.

Dealing with all of this took a lot of energy, but I began to worry when I started feeling much more tired than usual. Even with healthy eating and exercise, my weight wasn't budging and my energy wasn't increasing. Last weekend, I had a scary episode in which I got really shaky, my heart started racing, and I broke out into a sweat. It was hard to get my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. I felt completely out of control. I blamed it on a medication I had taken earlier, but it happened three more times in the next week. The last episode happened at school while I was teaching, and I had to leave. I was so confused and dizzy that I got lost on the way to the doctor's office. An EKG and several blood tests later, I was told that I have low blood sugar.

It was a relief to know that this is something that can be controlled by eating small, frequent meals. This week, I am starting a diet for hypoglycemia. I don't know what the next few days will bring. I may feel calmer and have more energy, or the adjustment to a more rigid diet may bring out my horns. I would appreciate your encouragement, as diets have proved difficult before.

Before I end this post, I want to tell you about a really wonderful shift that has happened. About a month ago, I set the intention to have more "soul friends," friends with whom I could connect on a deeper level. What happened was nothing short of amazing. No one new showed up. Rather, I began to see my old friends with new eyes. Our connections deepened, and we began to trust one another more. Friends I haven't heard from have reappeared (woohoo!), my sister and I are closer than ever before (after a year-long period of not speaking), and I find myself sharing things I thought impossible to share.

My best friend has been going through a difficult time, and I feel privileged to be able to just be with her while she goes through it. I think that her strength is admirable, and I hope that I can remind her of Who She Is when it is so easy to lose sight of that.

There is another friend with whom I've always had a good time kicking back and having a drink. He is a friend of another ex-boyfriend, so I felt like he was a friend of a friend. However, lately we've been showing up differently. We've shared secrets, seen the best in each other, and talked for hours into the night about religion, God, love, politics, dreams, and friendship. It is so refreshing to have a male friend with whom I can just be myself, a friend who makes me feel like who I am in any moment is more than enough. Oh, and bonus! The man can cuddle. :-)

I have realized that my relationships are determined by the way I show up. It is my job to be passionate, honest, and vulnerable. I can only experience in another what I experience in myself. I am reminded that as spiritual beings having a human experience, we need one another.

So much is changing, shifting, opening up. On my last birthday, I promised myself that this would be the best year of my life. I was so not kidding around. ;)