Spring Cleaning

I have been feeling a need lately to move some stuck energy around. I was starting to feel a bit weighed down by the clutter in my life, both physical and mental. I started doing some cleaning up late last week, and boy, there has been no stopping me! Normally, my cleaning sprees are PMS-induced and followed by a snack of Doritos and pickles (oh, the joys of being a woman). This time, however, the cause was more meaningful.

It started with my classroom. I threw out everything I can't imagine myself needing anytime soon. (No, I did not get rid of any children.) I bagged and boxed things, organized files, disinfected every surface. It's like working in a new place. When I walk in each morning, I feel ready to tackle the day's responsibilities, whereas before, my first thought every morning was "Gee, I should really..." It was overwhelming. It feels happier, the way I think a classroom should feel.

I've also been working on the house. I threw out bags of old clothes and shoes, waded through financial papers, vacuumed, organized...I took out the things that no longer represented where I am in my life (old photos and such). I also collaged a few vision boards (physical representations of things I would like to create in my life).

The work I'm most proud of, however, is having addressed some situations I've been avoiding. I'll keep the details private, but I made amends with someone. I apologized for having judged her for her decisions in the past, and I let her know that I still love her deeply. I received an e-mail back, and it has been a very healing experience.

I also had a heart-to-heart with an ex-boyfriend. Even though it was apparent we weren't well-suited for a relationship, it still hurt to lose that friendship. I let him know how I'm feeling (even the not so pretty, pissed off part), and he did the same. We didn't try to pretend everything was okay, and it felt really good to create that space where both of us could communicate our feelings without attacking each other. At the end of our conversation, we both agreed to give one another some space to create a new relationship with someone else. We've also agreed to greet one another with a giant bear hug next time we run into each other. :)

I am feeling lighter now that I have spoken my truth and cleaned up my environment a bit. I believe that in order to make room for wonderful new things in our lives, we have to first get rid of the old. Having done that, I am giddy to see what the Universe has in store for me next. ;)

Children

Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.
J.W. Whitehead

I just read that quote for the first time today, and I was so moved by it. I've been noticing lately how much I learn from the students in my kindergarten class. This reminds me of another quote I love, this one from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery: "Adults never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."

There is so much truth in that statement. Children know much more than we give them credit for. They know about tolerance, about expressing their feelings, about honesty. What happens is that adults (usually well-meaning) teach them that their way is wrong, that here on this planet we do things differently. We teach them that there is such a thing as right and wrong (and you'd better get it right!), that our feelings and our truth must stay hidden within, that people can't be trusted.

What if we stopped trying to teach them these things? What if we allowed them to do it their way? I see it every day in my classroom. When I step out of the way and let these little souls remember what they know, they express themselves in the most loving ways. They enjoy sharing their toys, complimenting each other, encouraging the boy who is always last to finish, pushing the injured girl's wheelchair. When they are mad, they let the world know (!), then they LET IT GO. They are quick to forgive, like the girl I put in time-out who told me through her tears, "I love you even when it's hard." When another child hurts them ("on the inside or outside," as we say in kindergarten), they turn to that child and say "I don't like that. Please stop."

What if that's how we behaved with each other as adults, as nations, as religions? What if we shared our gifts, pointed out the good in each other, encouraged those who don't believe in themselves? What if we allowed ourselves to really feel our anger and sadness then release it? What if we could tell those who are hurting us "I don't like that" rather than seeking revenge or walking away?

Maybe, just maybe, we have all come to this planet knowing Who We Are and how to love, but our elders have convinced us otherwise. Maybe we're the peacemakers we've been praying for.

Betrayal

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.
Richard Bach

Betrayal. Yeesh. This is a hard one to write about, an even harder one to experience. We all know it. We've all been there, so you'd think it would get easier. You'd think the pain would be duller this time. Oh, it's not.

I wonder why I brought this experience to myself, especially now, at a time when I am busy creating so much good. A new creative outlet, renewed passion for my job, blossoming friendships, healthier living. What is it that I am doing to bring this into my life?

I get it. I get that their choices are just that- theirs. I understand that they chose this behavior. I'm not saying that I have done something to cause them to behave in a way that is hurtful. I simply understand that my thoughts and feelings somehow brought about my experience of being betrayed. That much I am responsible for. And now I have a chance to respond rather than react.

But oh, how tempting it is to just react! There is that part of me that wants to hurt back- whether through thoughts, words, or actions. In the past, I gave in to that part of myself often. To my disappointment, "hurting back" never felt very good. In fact, I not only still felt betrayed, I found myself feeling as if I was unworthy of being treated well in the first place! I grew tired of that feeling rather quickly, so I changed my approach. The next time I felt betrayed (are you sensing a pattern here?), I decided to "let it go." Sounds good, right? Well, the problem was, I never actually "let it go." I buried it. I pretended it didn't happen. I put on a happy face and said, "I forgive you!"

Now I am deeply aware that if I pretend something didn't happen, those hurt feelings stay buried deep within. They may be forgotten about for a while, but eventually, something else comes along that needs to be buried beside it. And then another, then another...and that takes up a LOT of space.

Today, I know that all of those things that were buried have to be addressed. I have to acknowledge the pain before it can be released. I have to let myself feel angry, sad, betrayed. Then I can say "I'm worthy of so much more than this." And you know what the Universe has to say in return? "Your wish is my command."

Having written this entry, I now believe that I brought about this experience of betrayal as an opportunity to respond differently. I started out feeling tired and angry. And now? I'm back to feeling gratitude. :-)

Gratitude

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you," that would suffice.
Meister Eckhart

I am sitting at my desk in the sun, right in front of an open window. The breeze is blowing, the sun is out, the birds are singing. Best part? It seems as though the annoying little woodpecker who took up residence right outside my window has gone to meet Jesus. Life is good.

I have been feeling so grateful lately. Every morning, just before I get out of bed, I try to think of five things that make me happy, five things that make me say, "Thanks, world!"

Let's get something straight before those of you who know me think I've lost my marbles. I am not, let me repeat, NOT a morning person. The snooze button is still my friend. Okay, maybe not exactly "friend," seeing as how I beat it repeatedly every morning. I am one of those people who sets her alarm for an hour before it is time to get up just so that I can hit the snooze button six times and feel as if I'm sleeping in. Yes, I have survived previous murder attempts by past roommates. Barely. I still text message my co-workers from under the covers, things like "What exactly are the requirements to work at Hooters?" or "Bartenders don't have to get up this early. I'm switching careers."

However, I have started spending the last five minutes in bed thinking of things that make me smile. It has been amazing to see the effect this simple little ritual has on my day. First, I notice many more things to be thankful for. A beautiful sunrise on the drive to work, chilled peaches at lunchtime, the shape of the clouds as I watch them on the playground. Second, I find that the more I say "thank you" for the things I enjoy, the more they start popping up everywhere! This proves the theory that "What you focus on expands." God, I love that.

Here's an example. I love Snoopy from the Peanuts cartoon. It's been a while since I've seen anything with Snoopy on it, as Peanuts has taken a backseat to SpongeBob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer. One day I thought about Snoopy, about how every time I see that goofy little cartoon dog I have to smile. That day at work, one of my students wore an old, worn Snoopy sweatshirt. (Sometimes God shows up as a little girl with messy curls and mismatched shoes!) At lunch, one of the PTA members came by to show me the suckers he bought for the Valentine's Day candy-gram fundraiser. Snoopy suckers! The next morning, before I came in to work, another teacher left a few on my desk. I keep them there as a reminder to take the time to say "thank you."

Gratitude is such a powerful thing. What if, instead of focusing on what's wrong in the world, we could be grateful for what is right? Grateful for the peacemakers, for the smiles from strangers, for forgiveness, for compassion.

What we focus on expands. ;)

Body Love!

My body is a friend
I have much to do here
And it is my willing chauffeur
Taking me everywhere I choose.
It is unique-
That's why I chose it.
Not perfect
But quite charming.
My scars are a travel log
Reminding me of adventures from a life lived well.
The chicken pox scar on my tummy
Takes me back to eight years old
Playing with Barbie in the sunroom
After hearing those glorious words-
"No school for you today!"
The faint white line on my elbow
Left over from that bike ride
Rushing down the hill
In pursuit of a new black puppy
Tumbling over the handlebars
Crashing into the gravel
Wondering if I would ever be
That adventurous again!
The red line on my left knee
Takes me to a bathtub
And a bottle of Bacardi
Shaving those legs in anticipation
Of the lovemaking ahead.
Reminded now
That razors and rum don't mix!
I've thought of changing my body once or twice
Maybe fixing that nose, those ears
But it's those that allow me
To share a part of those before-
A legacy.
I've thought of changing my eye color, just for fun
Nothing exciting about brown
But my eyes speak of the depth of my soul
And my ability to love.
I have "added on"-
A butterfly on the small of my back
Representing my journey
Chinese symbols shared with my best friend
Bearing a simple message
"Never forget laughter."
And at last, a tiny heart, a reminder-
"Don't forget to love this body."

Real Women

I love, love, love Dove's new ad campaign. Finally, real women! It is so refreshing to see beautiful, confident women who don't wear a size two. Women who lead real lives. Women who eat. Women who love their unique bodies.

My quest for a healthier body started out, once again, as a weight loss regimen. However, I realized something this time. I have been on countless diet and exercise programs that eventually failed. You name it, I've done it. Strict diets, early morning exercises (and I am soooo not a morning person), pills, hypnosis, acupuncture. It was all a fight, a fight against what I thought was an unacceptable body.

Unacceptable? Says who?

Let me tell you about my best friend. My friend is a tall, "plus-size" woman. And she's gorgeous. Yes, she has a few extra pounds, like most of us real women. But she's also got something that many of us are missing. Confidence. When we go out for a night on the town, she flaunts her curves. She embraces all that is feminine about her- breasts, hips, belly, thighs. Let me tell you, this woman is more beautiful to me than any starving, workout-crazed supermodel. She is comfortable in curve-hugging clothing, in her naked skin, in her sexuality.

Thank god, and I mean that literally, that she appeared in my life. When I'm around her, I feel my own confidence rising up from within. I feel proud to be a woman.

Thanks to women like my best friend and the Dove models, I've decided that this time, I'm giving up the fight against my weight. Critics be damned, I am through with the struggle. After years of hating my body, I am finally ready to start loving myself exactly as I am today. I'm ready to embrace every inch of my beautiful, feminine body. I do plan to lose weight, but I'm doing it to become a healthier person, and I'm only doing it in ways that feel joyful to me. Eating delicious healthy foods. Moving my body more. Pampering myself with massages and hot baths. Not beating myself up for enjoying a cookie.

It is my hope that Dove is the first of many companies that will celebrate real women, women of all shapes and sizes and ages. It is so nice to be reminded that the most beautiful women are those who love themselves. After twenty-five years, I'm finally one of them.

Challenge: Perfectionism

Yep, I'm a perfectionist. This presents a challenge. Right now I am in a really great time of my life, taking responsiblity for my circumstances and recreating them the way I choose. However, those sweet moments of creation have been shadowed by the part of me that doesn't believe it's enough. There is a part of me that has existed as long as I can remember that, in the face of some accomplishment, says, "So that's it?" And oh, how that part of me springs into action when I (gasp!) make a mistake.

In my quest for more money, I recently paid off a rather large bill. One part of me wants to celebrate that, and the other points out the stack of unpaid bills near my desk. This is also the part that criticizes me for spending money on "non-essentials" like dinners with friends or a magazine.

Since I am working on being healthy, I recently quit caffeine. That is huge. HUGE. Keep in mind that I teach kindergarten. There are days when I am sure the kids had Mountain Dew and Twinkies for breakfast. Caffeine was how I got through the day. However, I knew that it was unhealthy, so right in the midst of a bout of PMS (!), I dropped it. Just woke up one morning and said, "That's it! I'm done with caffeine!" A four-day headache followed. Oh, and don't get me started on the mood swings. But here I am, post-withdrawals, and I'm paying more attention to my body's messages. Messages like "Get some sleep, drink some water." Cause for celebration, right? At least a pat on the back...Instead, I find myself focusing on the candy I ate yesterday afternoon. Gah!

Same thing at work. I know, KNOW, that I am a great teacher. It's my passion. I love what I do. I go in early, stay late, spend my own money for the classroom, teach way more than is expected, and make learning FUN. So why is it, at the end of the day, I get discouraged by my messy desk? (Okay, messy is an understatement. I half expect a student from years past to come crawling out of the debris at any moment.)

I'd been thinking about this for about a week when I had one of those aha! moments. I realized that my accomplishments in the past didn't require perfection. I graduated college at the top of my class. However, I did my share of skipping classes, missing assignments, bombing tests. I have lost weight before, and that happened despite some missed workouts and a couple of "splurges" at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I have taught twenty children how to read in the past five months, even though some of my strategies didn't work with this group of students.

If only I could encourage myself as much as I praise my students. If one of them writes a numeral correctly (after dozens of failed attempts), we high-five. When a child reads a word for the first time, we all "kiss our brains." Someone who ties their shoes for the first time gets their photo posted by the door with a congratulatory sign. Our little "celebrations" are a big deal because it shows the children that I'm proud of them, that it's okay not to get it right the first time, and that I believe their continued success is inevitable.

I think it's time I give myself the same gift.