Resistance

An old self is dying, a new self is emerging.

I can feel it in every cell in my body. Lately I am swinging back and forth between the poles of love and fear. Sometimes I feel a very positive vibrational energy, a hopefulneess, an excitement for what is to come. And then there are days, like today, when my ego is scared to death. Literally. My ego, my old self, my old identity, is dying, and it is terrified.

The past week or so has been a time of intense resistance. Even my body became ill in response to the overwhelming fear. I found myself doing absolutely anything to avoid the stillness, because whatever the Universe had in store for me, it felt like too much.

I tried to meditate, and I became restless. I bit my fingernails. I watched an insane amount of television. I surrounded myself with people, with noise. I ate. I slept. I daydreamed. I read blogs, magazines, books. I made phone calls, sent out e-mails.

Today the house is empty for the first time in quite a while. Finally, I decided to go within. What I found was a swirl of negative thoughts and fears. I cried harder than I have in a long time as I listened to the words that so desperately needed to be heard...

I am saddened by the secrets that I have to keep in this family in order for the people I love to stay in the room of my life.

I am terrified that I really am not good enough, that I’ll never lose the weight or find love or create lasting financial abundance or keep a friendship for a lifetime.

I am scared that my shadow really is who I am, and that my light is the illusion.

I worry every single day about losing the people I love, that something I say or do will make them believe I’m not a good person, and they’ll walk away. Again.

I worry that I’m too scarred, too complicated, too spiritual, too much, to fall in love again and have it returned.

I tell myself that no matter how much inner growth happened in the last year, it wasn’t enough because there isn’t enough on the outside to show for it.

I worry that my chance has passed.

I worry that while I’m doing all this inner work, the rest of the world is leaving me behind, and everyone else is achieving the things I most want to do. Falling in love, traveling the world, writing books, doing meaningful work that heals the world.

I worry that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough.

I worry that real change takes self-discipline and willpower, which I lack.

I tell myself that the people who walked away from me have better lives without me in them.

It is so, so, so hard for me to love some people, and I think that makes me a bad person.

I worry that I don’t have what it takes to do my job the way I want it done.

I have failed so much in my life (and by failing, I mean falling short of the perfection I expect of myself) that I now identify myself as one who fails.

Geez-us-louise-us. This growth stuff is so effing hard, sometimes.

I know, deep within, that my fears are all a part of the illusion. I know that I am a powerful creator. I know that Love is on my side. It just doesn't feel that way in this moment.

So today, I am being gentle with myself. I deserve a good break, a good cry, and a good bath.

Love to all.

P.S. Like my fears, the ice is slowly melting away. Friends have been calling to let me know they have their power back. And in a much deeper sense, I do too.