Purpose

"The key to happiness in the workplace is not to have a job, but to have a purpose."
Dr. Robert Holden

Truth of the day: I am unhappy with my job.

Yeesh. I really did just type that. Let me elaborate.

I've been avoiding it for a while now, but these little truth-telling sessions are working. I knew that this year was different than the previous two, that my stress level was abnormally high, that I was holding a lot of tension in my body that has resulted in a shoulder injury, headaches, and overall ickiness, and that I just haven't been as happy this year.

It is easy to blame the externals, and I have done plenty of that. While I do think that they play a part, I won't go into that here. For the most part, those are things that I have no control over.

I've been sitting with the feeling of unhappiness (and anger and frustration and hopelessness and disappointment) for a few days. But today, I found a glimmer of hope. I uncovered another, more powerful truth. (And, knock on wood or thank Jesus or whatever, my cold seems to have hit the road.)

My truth is this- I believe that the biggest reason I am unhappy in this job is that I am not expressing my authentic self. I do not feel that I am fulfilling my purpose through this job.

Now, I can just about guarantee you that if you were to step into my classroom on any given day, you would not see that. You would see a colorful, inviting classroom full of learning in the most creative ways. You would see children hard at work on projects that you wouldn't imagine kindergarteners could accomplish. You would see what is, in many other people's opinions, a wonderful learning environment. And those things are all true.

If you were to look through my teacher evaluation forms, you would see that I have scored 100% superior marks since I began teaching. You would see comments like "excellent classroom management skills." Since starting back in 2005, I have became known as the teacher with the best classroom management strategies on the block.

Thing is, it doesn't feel that way. The kids are doing what is asked of them, but at what cost? They know how to line up, behave at the water fountain, sit at a group meeting, raise their hands to speak, use inside voices (okay, sometimes), turn in finished work, and respect adults. Those things are important, sure. But I am wondering now about the bigger stuff. Are their spirits being nurtured? Are they learning real life skills? Am I teaching them to be more conscious, more open, more loving? I don't think so.

I want my students to freely express themselves in loving ways, find the good in themselves and another, work together to solve problems. I want them to learn that what they focus on expands. I want them to learn (or remember) to trust themselves.

So the questions I am facing now are these: how do I run such a classroom? What are the tools that I need? Who will support me in this? How do I teach these things in addition to what is required by the district? How do I keep myself in the state of mind that is necessary to maintain this type of environment? The big one- how can I let go of the things that don't matter, but I want so badly to control?

Like a child wishing on a star, tonight I am sending these questions out into the Universe. Tomorrow, I will walk in the door of the school to twenty-two hugs. And I will pray to whoever is listening that I might, in some small way, bring those children the gifts they are so worthy of receiving.

Good night, all.