My Truth

Definitely in the writing mood- snuggled under my electric blanket, listening to “Maybe I” by Five For Fighting...

It is becoming almost impossible to avoid my truth. What was the norm just a year ago has suddenly become immensely uncomfortable. I’ve always been a chronic people-pleaser. Most of what came out of my mouth was either what I thought people wanted to hear or what I thought was the right thing to say (according to something outside of myself). That’s not the scariest part. Not only was I not speaking my truth, I didn’t know my truth existed.

Even though the past few years have seen me shift from a religious person to a spiritual seeker, I have still taken on others’ truths for my own. If you asked me what I thought of something, I could certainly quote you something from The Seat of the Soul or Conversations with God (both of which I highly recommend, by the way). But those things are beliefs- which at the end of the day are really, for me, great ideas.

I was reading The Joy Diet by Martha Beck (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss), and in it she suggests taking a moment every day, in the silence, to ask yourself what is true for you. Intrigued, I made the decision to “check in” with myself once each day. I don’t know what I expected. After all, I am intensely devoted to my own spiritual growth and evolution, and I’ve spent the past six years exploring the big questions. Basically, I didn’t expect anything new to surface. No surprising me, I KNOW MYSELF. Right?

Ha. It is an understatement to say that I have been STUNNED. I have had more aha! moments in the past month than I have had in my entire life. It’s like the floodgates opened- once one truth was allowed into the light of my knowledge, many more came rushing out. How, how, how have I had these truths inside me all along and completely missed them?

My life has been good, okay? Good. And I know some things. Conceptually, at least. I love studying metaphysics and conscious creation. I could watch What the Bleep Do We Know? for hours on end. I read books about the law of attraction and spiritual living and the soul and creating our own reality. But for someone who conceptually knows so much about life and the world, I don’t seem to have a life that truly reflects that. Lately I’ve been terribly frustrated because, after all of this growth and experience and learning, my life still does not seem to resemble the real me. And now, I. Get. It. The answers seriously have been inside me all this time. I know, I know, we hear it all the time, but I never really experienced the power of my own inner truth. My god, it is overwhelming.

What I’ve begun to discover is that my truth is much more personal and real than the truths of others, even though they are often extraordinary. My truth is what creates my experience- it is the thought behind the thought behind the thought. And for better or worse, my truth is creating my life.

In some ways, finding my truth has made my life easier. I’ve figured out what really matters to me, so I know now how to own my yes and my no. If something goes against what is true for me, screw what everyone else thinks, it gets a no. It is easier for me now to speak my truth, knowing that whatever the reason, I can own it because it is mine.

It has also made life harder. Hmm, maybe not harder. Riskier? More vulnerable? Here’s the thing- I can’t settle anymore. I can’t play small. I have big changes to make, and that is going to mean that I might ruffle some feathers. I had to have conversations with two male friends that, quite honestly, scared the shit out of me. But I did it. I spoke my truth, and I didn’t try to sugarcoat it or make it easier for them to hear. It was terrifying, but the most amazing thing happened. Both of them came back with incredibly understanding, loving responses. I spoke my truth, and they accepted it. Thank you, GOD, for good men. THANK YOU, GOD, FOR MEN THAT CAN HANDLE A WOMAN’S TRUTH (even, and especially, when it wasn’t what they expected.)

I read a quote recently on Kate’s site that read, “Your life speaks. You have to learn to listen.” My god, the heartaches I could have been spared if I had just known how to be honest with myself.

I won’t try to get it all down here, but I want to share a few of the truths that I have uncovered recently.

1- I avoid feeling my feelings deeply. I distract myself by sleeping, eating, drinking, working too much, and watching ridiculous television (um, seriously, The Real Housewives of Orange County?). I got so talented at this avoidance stuff that I actually believed that the problems in my life were- sleeping too much, eating too much, watching tv. I didn’t even know that I had these complex feelings going on. No wonder my body needed so much sleep- it had been busy all day every day burying those “unacceptable” feelings. I went on diets to stop the eating, took insane amounts of vitamins so I would have more energy, and forced myself to leave work at 3 every day. Little did I know, these are my survival techniques- they keep me from feeling the things that scare me.

2- I miss my ex. I talked about this a few posts back. Basically, I’ve spent the past couple of years trying to move on, and during that time I’ve felt everything under the sun except for what was really true for me. Under all that anger was this simple truth- I miss him. Just saying that has freed up a lot of space, and I feel lighter. It was tough to own it, but I’m so glad I did.

3- I haven’t spoken much about this here, but there has been some discomfort in my current living situation. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so much. I came to realize, in one of my truth-telling moments, that the reason this living arrangement feels “wrong” to me is that almost everything in this house outside of my bedroom belongs to D. The futon, the dining room table, and some framed pictures belong to me. Everything else belongs to my roommate. It’s her furniture, her books, her appliances, her décor, her dog. It feels as if I am living in someone else’s home, even though I chose this house and we share the bills evenly. Not only that, D has a way of making it feel as if this home is all about her. And I don’t say that in an accusing way- she simply behaves as if she lives alone. I am telling you, if I hear the Matlock opening song one more time, my ears are going to self-destruct. On a more serious note, I am ready to create a home that reflects who I am. I want my home to be a haven, a peaceful place to read and meditate and write and do yoga and tell soul stories with friends.

4- I deserve more than what I have settled for in my current life. I have realized that I settle for much, much less than I deserve because it is comfortable. Screw comfortable. I want joyful, I want exceptional, I want my best. I deserve a job in which my voice is heard. I deserve recognition for the damn good job I do as a teacher. I deserve to have my words published. I deserve to have healing in my relationships regardless of what happened in the past. I deserve to live in a body that is as beautiful outside as I feel inside. I deserve to be surrounded by people who honor my truth. I deserve to see the world. I deserve to do meaningful work that expresses my authentic self. I deserve to have a beautiful home that resembles who I am. I deserve to have more money than I need. (That was hard to type. Internal editor, get back to your vacation!) I’ll say it again. I deserve to have more money than I need. (I’ll work on that one.) I deserve a loving, spiritual partnership with a man who inspires me. I deserve a real love story that is worth having waited for. I deserve a life in which my truth takes center stage. I deserve to live the grandest version of the highest vision I’ve ever had for myself.

Well, I’m off to take a hot bath, meditate, and write in my gratitude journal. As Bob just said a moment ago, we have to smell the roses that are around us.