The Morning After
Last night was horrible and wonderful and sad and happy. Let me explain.
When D texted me about the proposal, my heart sank. It hurt. I knew that moment would come, and I thought I had come so far in my healing that it wouldn't matter, but it did.
I find it interesting (and usually frustrating) that just when I think something has been completely healed in my life, it comes back. I am learning that we don't heal things in our life all at once but rather in pieces. It is a process that takes time and attention. Each time the hurt returns, I heal another piece. With that healing comes relief and appreciation, then, when I'm ready, it resurfaces. I heal again.
It is hard to talk about this here. I know that this will be read by people whose opinions matter to me. It is embarrassing that after more than two years (how long is too long?), I can still feel the pain of my breakup with D. It is embarrassing that I wrote here about the wonderful healing that occured in my life surrounding D, then I seem to be right back where I started. The truth is this. I have healed. I have come a long way. Most of the time, I am able to see the bigger picture and love him from a distance and appreciate the role he played in my life. Then there are the times, like last night, when I fall apart for a while. That's it. That's my truth.
After having noticed so many of my friends getting married and talking about "finding Mr. Right," I asked myself, if I'm not looking for Mr. Right, what am I seeking? I'm happy now, yes, but what is my goal, if it isn't finding a man? I knew the answer immediately. I want to become the highest vision I have for myself. I know that involves a lot of messy growth and honesty (even when it's uncomfortable). I also know that I'm finally ready for that.
So last week I voiced that wish to the Universe, or God, or Life. Again, it's all the same to me nowadays. That night, I had a dream in which D told me he was getting married. (Yep, it hurt in the dream too.) That was my first clue that something was still unsettled. Then, less than a week later, the news came. Now I know it sucked, but it is really hard for me to get too upset about it knowing that it came so soon after I put my desire out there. Something deep within tells me that this experience is part of the growth I need in order to become who I want to be.
The text prompted me to have a conversation with Bob. I needed to vent and get pissed and be sad, and God love him, Bob was there to listen and offer his wisdom...again. I was really grateful for his honesty and kindness, both of which I needed desperately in that moment. What was supposed to be a bitching session turned out to be, hands-down, the most honest conversation I've ever had.
After our conversation, I went to bed. I let myself be alone in the quiet and really feel my response to D's news. All of the hurt that I felt when he walked out came rushing back all at once. It was as terrible as I'd remembered it. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my entire body felt tense. I knew I could call Bob, or Tara, or Erol, but I just laid there feeling, for a moment, like the world was crashing down around me again. Then I remembered that the Universe actually does care (contrary to what I grew up believing), and I said, simply, "Please take this from me."
I don't know what I expected, but in that moment, it all stopped. All of the pain left my body in a rush, and I felt a little out of breath. I can't describe what I felt. It was an overwhelming feeling of peace and love. I suddenly had an awareness that everything is perfect, just as it is.
I am also grateful for Bob, for Tara, for Erol. Those three are friends when it really counts. Back when D left, the pain was so intense that I seriously considered dying. I had thoughts like, "in three months, if the pain hasn't dulled, I could give up"...The most unexpected thing always stopped me. I imagined Tara, sometime in the future, having a really horrible day. I saw her on the floor, crying. Now I know that if I wasn't here, Tara would obviously find another dear friend. But I cannot imagine not being there for her when she needed me. It just wouldn't be right, I tell you!
So I am truly grateful that I have am able to share my life with some of the best souls around, friends who are there when I need them. I hope to always be the same for them.
When D texted me about the proposal, my heart sank. It hurt. I knew that moment would come, and I thought I had come so far in my healing that it wouldn't matter, but it did.
I find it interesting (and usually frustrating) that just when I think something has been completely healed in my life, it comes back. I am learning that we don't heal things in our life all at once but rather in pieces. It is a process that takes time and attention. Each time the hurt returns, I heal another piece. With that healing comes relief and appreciation, then, when I'm ready, it resurfaces. I heal again.
It is hard to talk about this here. I know that this will be read by people whose opinions matter to me. It is embarrassing that after more than two years (how long is too long?), I can still feel the pain of my breakup with D. It is embarrassing that I wrote here about the wonderful healing that occured in my life surrounding D, then I seem to be right back where I started. The truth is this. I have healed. I have come a long way. Most of the time, I am able to see the bigger picture and love him from a distance and appreciate the role he played in my life. Then there are the times, like last night, when I fall apart for a while. That's it. That's my truth.
After having noticed so many of my friends getting married and talking about "finding Mr. Right," I asked myself, if I'm not looking for Mr. Right, what am I seeking? I'm happy now, yes, but what is my goal, if it isn't finding a man? I knew the answer immediately. I want to become the highest vision I have for myself. I know that involves a lot of messy growth and honesty (even when it's uncomfortable). I also know that I'm finally ready for that.
So last week I voiced that wish to the Universe, or God, or Life. Again, it's all the same to me nowadays. That night, I had a dream in which D told me he was getting married. (Yep, it hurt in the dream too.) That was my first clue that something was still unsettled. Then, less than a week later, the news came. Now I know it sucked, but it is really hard for me to get too upset about it knowing that it came so soon after I put my desire out there. Something deep within tells me that this experience is part of the growth I need in order to become who I want to be.
The text prompted me to have a conversation with Bob. I needed to vent and get pissed and be sad, and God love him, Bob was there to listen and offer his wisdom...again. I was really grateful for his honesty and kindness, both of which I needed desperately in that moment. What was supposed to be a bitching session turned out to be, hands-down, the most honest conversation I've ever had.
After our conversation, I went to bed. I let myself be alone in the quiet and really feel my response to D's news. All of the hurt that I felt when he walked out came rushing back all at once. It was as terrible as I'd remembered it. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my entire body felt tense. I knew I could call Bob, or Tara, or Erol, but I just laid there feeling, for a moment, like the world was crashing down around me again. Then I remembered that the Universe actually does care (contrary to what I grew up believing), and I said, simply, "Please take this from me."
I don't know what I expected, but in that moment, it all stopped. All of the pain left my body in a rush, and I felt a little out of breath. I can't describe what I felt. It was an overwhelming feeling of peace and love. I suddenly had an awareness that everything is perfect, just as it is.
I am also grateful for Bob, for Tara, for Erol. Those three are friends when it really counts. Back when D left, the pain was so intense that I seriously considered dying. I had thoughts like, "in three months, if the pain hasn't dulled, I could give up"...The most unexpected thing always stopped me. I imagined Tara, sometime in the future, having a really horrible day. I saw her on the floor, crying. Now I know that if I wasn't here, Tara would obviously find another dear friend. But I cannot imagine not being there for her when she needed me. It just wouldn't be right, I tell you!
So I am truly grateful that I have am able to share my life with some of the best souls around, friends who are there when I need them. I hope to always be the same for them.
posted by BlossomingSoul at
6:08 PM
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