D and Me
The reason I haven’t written anything about THE EX yet isn’t because I didn’t want to share that with you. It’s because that has been the furthest thing from my mind lately. This is what letting go feels like.
First of all, I don’t think that it is necessary anymore to call him THE EX. However, out of respect for his privacy, I’m going to call him D. Now, those of you who know me know that I have dated a lot of D’s in this lifetime, but I’m sure we’re all clear on which D I’m talking about. The one who ripped my heart out and with it took my will to live? Okay, we’re on the same page. (I am joking. Sorta.)
Okay, last time I wrote, D still hadn’t called, and I was okay with that. I had done my part, and my emotional baggage was getting lighter. Of course, as it goes with life, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses and laughter. One day, I was having a particularly rough time, most likely brought on by PMS. I was driving home from the gym, trying to see the road through an unexpected onslaught of tears. That’s when I had an aha! moment (thanks, Oprah, for the term).
I’m going to have to backtrack a bit, but please follow along. Have you seen Discovery Channels’ new series Planet Earth? (Yes, it’s related…stick with me.) Well, I had been watching it for a few weeks. It’s awe-inspiring. I felt so drawn to this show because it demonstrates what a perfect universe we live in. It is amazing how many conditions have to be just right in order for the thousands of species of plants and animals that share this planet to survive. And yet they do. Every day in this world, billions of miracles are happening. And all of it happens without force, without an agenda, without anxiety and worry and planning and fear.
So I was driving home, crying, when I realized that behind all of those miracles there is a force making them happen. Someone, or something, causes flowers to grow and babies to be born. GOD! That’s who/what God is for me. Not some judgmental, angry male figure in the sky. God didn’t just create the Universe, God is the Universe. Driving home that night, I told God (or Life, or the Universe, or All That Is, whatever you want to call it) something I might have said before but never really meant- I trust you. I trust the power that created and sustains all of this perfection with my life. I told God “I give up. I’m through trying to make things work in my life. I trust you. Take it.” And I’m pretty sure that the answer I got was, “It’s about time.”
At that exact moment, my cell phone rang. I knew who it was before I even looked at the number. After months of waiting, here was the phone call I had lost sleep over. What happened next was absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of doubt, the work of something higher. D and I had a real conversation. We both marveled at hearing the sound of one another’s voices after years of silence. We shared our favorite memories of each other. We laughed so hard our sides hurt.
I had imagined that conversation countless times before, the conversation that would reconnect us after a long absence. I worried about being overwhelmed with feelings for him. I worried that I would miss him so much it would kill me. I worried that we’d be angry, or hurt, or at best, awkward. Thankfully, it wasn’t up to me this time.
I was surprised at how easy it was to be honest with him. I told him how much I had loved him, how I thought my life would end when he walked away. I told him how what I thought was the end of the world for me was really just the beginning. He told me that he had his own heart broken a few months after leaving me. The conversation that I had dreaded for months turned out to be one of the best conversations of my life. When we hung up the phone, I felt happier than I had in a long, long time.
A couple of weeks later, he called again. This time, to admit to me that he’d found someone. Her name was Lindsay too, and she even spelled it the same way! Wasn’t that funny? Well, I certainly didn’t see the humor in it. I always knew that it would be hard to hear the news that he’d found someone new. And it was, for a few moments. I listened to D for a long time that day. In my silence, I realized that I truly was happy for him. Even better, I was happy for myself.
Today, I am more in love than I ever was in that relationship. I love Life, my friends, my family, the world, even myself. And if it took D leaving to bring me to this experience, then I only have two words left to say to him. Thank you.
First of all, I don’t think that it is necessary anymore to call him THE EX. However, out of respect for his privacy, I’m going to call him D. Now, those of you who know me know that I have dated a lot of D’s in this lifetime, but I’m sure we’re all clear on which D I’m talking about. The one who ripped my heart out and with it took my will to live? Okay, we’re on the same page. (I am joking. Sorta.)
Okay, last time I wrote, D still hadn’t called, and I was okay with that. I had done my part, and my emotional baggage was getting lighter. Of course, as it goes with life, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses and laughter. One day, I was having a particularly rough time, most likely brought on by PMS. I was driving home from the gym, trying to see the road through an unexpected onslaught of tears. That’s when I had an aha! moment (thanks, Oprah, for the term).
I’m going to have to backtrack a bit, but please follow along. Have you seen Discovery Channels’ new series Planet Earth? (Yes, it’s related…stick with me.) Well, I had been watching it for a few weeks. It’s awe-inspiring. I felt so drawn to this show because it demonstrates what a perfect universe we live in. It is amazing how many conditions have to be just right in order for the thousands of species of plants and animals that share this planet to survive. And yet they do. Every day in this world, billions of miracles are happening. And all of it happens without force, without an agenda, without anxiety and worry and planning and fear.
So I was driving home, crying, when I realized that behind all of those miracles there is a force making them happen. Someone, or something, causes flowers to grow and babies to be born. GOD! That’s who/what God is for me. Not some judgmental, angry male figure in the sky. God didn’t just create the Universe, God is the Universe. Driving home that night, I told God (or Life, or the Universe, or All That Is, whatever you want to call it) something I might have said before but never really meant- I trust you. I trust the power that created and sustains all of this perfection with my life. I told God “I give up. I’m through trying to make things work in my life. I trust you. Take it.” And I’m pretty sure that the answer I got was, “It’s about time.”
At that exact moment, my cell phone rang. I knew who it was before I even looked at the number. After months of waiting, here was the phone call I had lost sleep over. What happened next was absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of doubt, the work of something higher. D and I had a real conversation. We both marveled at hearing the sound of one another’s voices after years of silence. We shared our favorite memories of each other. We laughed so hard our sides hurt.
I had imagined that conversation countless times before, the conversation that would reconnect us after a long absence. I worried about being overwhelmed with feelings for him. I worried that I would miss him so much it would kill me. I worried that we’d be angry, or hurt, or at best, awkward. Thankfully, it wasn’t up to me this time.
I was surprised at how easy it was to be honest with him. I told him how much I had loved him, how I thought my life would end when he walked away. I told him how what I thought was the end of the world for me was really just the beginning. He told me that he had his own heart broken a few months after leaving me. The conversation that I had dreaded for months turned out to be one of the best conversations of my life. When we hung up the phone, I felt happier than I had in a long, long time.
A couple of weeks later, he called again. This time, to admit to me that he’d found someone. Her name was Lindsay too, and she even spelled it the same way! Wasn’t that funny? Well, I certainly didn’t see the humor in it. I always knew that it would be hard to hear the news that he’d found someone new. And it was, for a few moments. I listened to D for a long time that day. In my silence, I realized that I truly was happy for him. Even better, I was happy for myself.
Today, I am more in love than I ever was in that relationship. I love Life, my friends, my family, the world, even myself. And if it took D leaving to bring me to this experience, then I only have two words left to say to him. Thank you.
posted by BlossomingSoul at
5:47 PM
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