The Answer

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

God, I LOVE that quote.

Things haven't been so great lately, and yes, I take responsibility for that. Isn't it strange how sometimes we know exactly what we need to get to a better place, but we stay put anyway? Sometimes the comfort of the familiar, no matter how unpleasant, seems more enticing than creating something new, something better.

A lot of ick lately- financial trouble, chaotic relationships, unhealthy living. Then of course, the physical results of that- tension headaches and a terrible bout of PMS.

Where do I start? Well, let's see. This body love stuff sure has been a rollercoaster ride. Geez Louise! When I made the conscious decision to start loving my body, I guess I thought it would be easy, that some fairy godmother would come sprinkle some glittery dust on me and I'd suddenly be madly in love with my body, flaws and all. Ha. What happened was, I slowly started to feel kinda neutral about it. I stopped avoiding mirrors (come on, you women know what I'm talking about). I spent more time just looking at myself in the mirror, and after a while, my inner commentary went from "My god, I have to lose weight. I look pregnant in this" to "Hmm...that's me. Yep, all me. Huh."

After a while, that lack of judgement gave way to appreciation. I started to actually (gasp!) like what I saw looking back at me in the mirror. Okay, maybe not all of it. But I started to appreciate the little things that make up the physical me. And it felt really, really good. I started to eat healthier and do yoga, not as a way to change my body, but as a way to appreciate it. Life was good.

And then, the pendulum took a swing back in the other direction, and it felt like I was right back where I started. Don't ya just hate it when that happens? I'm not exactly sure what triggered it- my roommate talking about her latest diet plan (she doesn't need to diet- trust me on this), the number on the scale going UP instead of down (cue freak-out), or PMS. It. Has. SUCKED.

You know, I need to take back my "chaotic relationships" comment. It isn't that my relationships have been chaotic, but my thoughts about them sure have been. It isn't like me anymore to worry more about what the other person is thinking, but that has been the case the past few days. I do not like that, not one bit. I need to work on saying yes to the things I really want, no to everything else, and let the rest go. I know, easier said than done, right? I'll keep you posted on how it goes. ;-)

There are a couple of relationships (an ex-boyfriend and an old friend) that have been on my mind lately. I really do not like leaving things unsaid. I don't like feeling as if there is negative energy between myself and another. I thought about contacting them and apologizing for my part in the rifts between us, but it never felt right. After much thought, I decided that these two truly aren't people I want in my life, and they are gone for a reason. Yes, I admit that I played a part in our separation, but I really do feel it was for the best.

As I was thinking about them, I was absentmindedly going through old e-mails. I found a message from someone special that really jumped out at me. He said, "Some people you have to love from a distance. Sometimes people we love will not be able to reciprocate this side of heaven." Isn't that a wonderful way to look at it? It reminds me that even though we may be physically separated, we can still love one another. And our souls never, ever forget the innocence of one other, and one day we'll be reminded of that.

I don't always know what to do. Sometimes life is really easy, and sometimes it is just freakin' hard. Right now it's the latter. But you people, my friends and family, are keeping me going, bringing out my smile, and most of all, helping me live my way into the answer. I absolutely love you!