Courage

"I set you up to leave, of course. I see that now. People used to say to me, "Don't you think you deserve love? But I couldn't see how to relate to that question. Now I see that for every time that I have cut off love, someone has cut off their love for me. Not because God has punished me, but because I have punished myself. Guilt demands punishment, and subconsciously I felt guilty. I programmed you to punish me. I see that now, and I free us both. Thanks for playing your part so well. I wish for you, and I wish for me, a happier drama, a kinder end, and a sweeter ride than the one we put each other through.
Someday, when all of this is over, we will laugh at this. And you will say, "Do you remember when you were so mad at me, when I wanted to take that trip with my friends?"
And I will say, "Yes, I remember that. I didn't know it, of course, but I was totally invested in making you a monster, and I couldn't think of any other way to do it."
"You did quite well," you will say to me.
"But hallelujah," I will say to myself. "I don't have to do that anymore- to you or to me or to anyone." "
From Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson

I did it. I contacted my ex. Not just an ex, THE EX. Two and a half years ago, he walked out of my life. I remember it like it was yesterday, the beginning of my "dark night of the soul." I had experienced pain before (my mother almost dying, my grandfather passing away, running away from home as a teenager, and the list goes on), but nothing could have prepared me for the absolute turmoil I experienced when my lover, my friend, decided to leave the room of my life. I would have done anything to make him stay, but he was gone.

I thought about giving up, quitting school, even dying. I was at my lowest point, then I realized I had a choice. I was going to become harder- bitter, angry, and fearful, or I was going to become softer- more loving, compassionate, and aware. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it alone, so I asked God (or Life, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call it) for help. And help came. It came in the form of friendship, pills, therapy, new relationships, movies, books, accomplishments, and mistakes. I took it all in with gratitude. It was never easy, but I was never alone. Today, I am nowhere near finished with my inner work, but I am a much softer person. I am expanding in ways I never thought possible. I am finally loving myself, healing things, and exploring what really matters to me. I am a powerful creator. I am finally living.

I thank God that he came into my life. I'm also grateful that he left. His exit prompted me to go on a journey I would never have braved unless I was desperate. I finally found out Who I Am, and it's because of him. What a gift! In the words of James Arthur Ray, "True forgiveness is thanking you for giving me that experience."

When my ex and I last communicated, I told him that I would contact him when I felt that I had healed from the pain of our separation. Two and a half years have passed, and I've grown immensely. But I still didn't feel ready. There was still that part of me that wanted to wait until I "had it all together" before I reappeared. I imagined myself fitting into a size seven, going through a huge promotion at work, with a new, sexy man on my arm. (I wish I was joking.) There was also the part of that wanted to pretend our relationship had never happened, "move on," and hope to never see him again.

I couldn't. I couldn't pretend he didn't exist. This was someone with whom I had shared meaningful, loving life experiences. We laughed, cried, made love, challenged each other, grew together. I know that life is going to take us in different directions. He will have his career, his life partner, his children, and I will have mine. The fulfillment of our dreams will keep us apart in this lifetime, but having loved him so deeply, I will always be aware of his presence in this world.

Yesterday I wrote him an e-mail. To anyone else it would be nothing extraordinary. I congratulated him on having finished school, wished him well, and told him I was grateful for the time we spent together. I meant every word. Later in the evening, I was doing some reading, and I came across the passage above. I recalled having read it just after we parted ways, and I remember wishing that I could be that kind of woman. I got chills over my entire body when I realized that I have grown into that person. I may not be a size seven model with a McDreamy on my arm, but in the words of a friend, I am pretty fucking amazing.