Betrayal

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.
Richard Bach

Betrayal. Yeesh. This is a hard one to write about, an even harder one to experience. We all know it. We've all been there, so you'd think it would get easier. You'd think the pain would be duller this time. Oh, it's not.

I wonder why I brought this experience to myself, especially now, at a time when I am busy creating so much good. A new creative outlet, renewed passion for my job, blossoming friendships, healthier living. What is it that I am doing to bring this into my life?

I get it. I get that their choices are just that- theirs. I understand that they chose this behavior. I'm not saying that I have done something to cause them to behave in a way that is hurtful. I simply understand that my thoughts and feelings somehow brought about my experience of being betrayed. That much I am responsible for. And now I have a chance to respond rather than react.

But oh, how tempting it is to just react! There is that part of me that wants to hurt back- whether through thoughts, words, or actions. In the past, I gave in to that part of myself often. To my disappointment, "hurting back" never felt very good. In fact, I not only still felt betrayed, I found myself feeling as if I was unworthy of being treated well in the first place! I grew tired of that feeling rather quickly, so I changed my approach. The next time I felt betrayed (are you sensing a pattern here?), I decided to "let it go." Sounds good, right? Well, the problem was, I never actually "let it go." I buried it. I pretended it didn't happen. I put on a happy face and said, "I forgive you!"

Now I am deeply aware that if I pretend something didn't happen, those hurt feelings stay buried deep within. They may be forgotten about for a while, but eventually, something else comes along that needs to be buried beside it. And then another, then another...and that takes up a LOT of space.

Today, I know that all of those things that were buried have to be addressed. I have to acknowledge the pain before it can be released. I have to let myself feel angry, sad, betrayed. Then I can say "I'm worthy of so much more than this." And you know what the Universe has to say in return? "Your wish is my command."

Having written this entry, I now believe that I brought about this experience of betrayal as an opportunity to respond differently. I started out feeling tired and angry. And now? I'm back to feeling gratitude. :-)